Dare to Dream Part I: Breaking Down
by Tinuviel Undomiel
Summary: Co-authored by Nerwen Aldarion: AU. After the events in Jedi Knight, Kyle leaves and Jan begins a long search to find him. As hope fades she abandons her health, friends and her own convictions to find her long lost friend...all because of a dream.
1. Preface: Goodbyes

Disclaimer: George Lucas is the King of Star Wars, we are his humble peasants who own nothing and simply borrow his characters for fun.

We're Baaaaack!!!!

A/N: Tinuviel Undomiel: Hello everyone, long time no post eh? It's a long story as to why the hiatus. Check out my profile if you want more details, anyways. Everyone give a round of applause to shanesnest who's reappearance made us realise how much we missed fanfiction so we staged a come back. This was always one of my favorites and this one is for you shanesnest. I hope you like it.

A/N: Nerwen Aldarion: We are back and better than ever if I say so myself. During out long vacation from fanfics we continued to work on original fiction so if I may brag our writing has greatly improved, I think you all will appreciate our skills with the pen (err Keyboard) even more now. This was always my fave of the Jedi Knight genre but we never got around to finishing it, I love angst and this one is FULL of it. I love getting into Jan's head and taking her to the brink of despair and I hope you all enjoy the ride that takes her there.

NOTE: This is an Alternate Universe story that takes place after Dark Forces 2. We always thought that in the game Kyle should have been more conflicted when he was faced with the option of killing Jan so we brought this out and then made Kyle make a very hard decision that will have very bad repercussions.

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Dare to Dream

Part I: Breaking Down

Preface: Goodbyes

The stars were streaks of white outside the cockpit of the _Moldy Crow_. I sat in the co-pilot's chair and just watched the hypnotic lights zooming past the ship at light-speed. It was easy to forget your troubles when all you could see before you was black and white.

My fingers twirled the hilt of my deactivated lightsaber. It was heavier than I had thought a lightsaber would be, in more ways than one. It was a symbol for the source of so much trouble yet also my power.

A Jedi. Me. Who'd have thought that I could move boxes with just the wave of my hand or control the mind of my enemies by simply concentrating and saying what I wanted them to say. It was crazy, but true. I shared the same power as Luke Skywalker, Obi Wan Kenobi.

Darth Vader.

Jerec.

The bastard who murdered my father. I was like him. I had the Force and I had tasted its Dark Side. It was a sweet temptation to feel so powerful you could rule the galaxy. I had wanted to embrace it completely, to live a life with no rules, no morals. But I had refused…barely.

Jan was going over the controls of the _Crow_ even though she always kept everything on the ship in perfect shape. She was trying not to look at me, the man who had nearly killed her.

That offer still rang in my ears. _Kill her_, that dark voice inside of me had urged, _She is useless. No power, no worth. She doesn't understand what you can do. Kill her and take all the power Jerec can give you_.

Jan had seen my indecision. She had known that I was tempted. I had actually put my lightsaber to her throat, imagining how quick and easy it would be to take off her head just like Jerec did to my father's.

But I didn't.

The fear in her pretty blue eyes. The desperate plea in her voice as she whispered my name reminded me of our friendship. It reminded me of how much I wanted more than that. So I pulled away and let her live.

The fight was over. Jerec was dead, my father and Rahn were avenged. But what about Jan and me? Was we dead as well? She was two feet away and wouldn't even look at me. She was afraid of me.

This silence was torture to me. I had to say something. "How far are we from Coruscant?" It was a pointless question since I could read it off of the screen.

"Five hours give or take," Jan said to me without looking up from the controls.

Five hours. Great. I was going to go insane at this rate. I needed to broach the subject but I _really_ didn't want to. I wanted things to go back to normal but apparently normal didn't exist anymore.

"Jan," I said her name with a pause and then I continued, "We—we should talk."

"That's not necessary, Kyle."

Jan always got polite when she was nervous and I almost laughed until I remembered it was me she was edgy over.

"It _is_ necessary, Jan," I said, "I—I tried…I know what I did, I just want you know I didn't mean—."

"I—I know Kyle."

"It wasn't me," I said desperately, "I mean it was me, but it wasn't me." She didn't say anything and still refused to look at me. "Jan, I would never…"

I didn't finish. I didn't believe it anymore. I _could_ hurt her. I almost did, but one thing I refused to do was lie to her.

We sat in silence the entire way home. Once we landed, she hopped out of her seat without a word. I followed her but more slowly. I stopped at the landing ramp and watched her walk out of the hangar bay, walking away from me, the man caught between light and dark.

I locked up the _Moldy Crow_ and went to my apartment. I lay down on the bed but didn't sleep, just stared at the ceiling, really the darkness seeing as how without any lights I could barely see the ceiling. I must have laid there for hours replaying what I had done in my mind but it felt like seconds.

Jan was scared of me now and it was my fault. I had broken the bond of trust several years of working together had created. I wasn't sure I could fix it. She had seen the darkness that was inside of me. It was doubtful that she would ever trust me again.

I had to admit to myself my feelings now; they were what stopped me from killing her. They had saved her and me, but what about when another Sith came around? Jerec had known that with her death I would have severed every bit of good in my soul. If he had seen that then someone else could too. They could use my feelings to hurt her. I would never forgive myself if that happened.

Was there a way to keep that from happening?

Yes there was. I had to leave her.

Could I do that?

Could didn't matter. If it meant she would be safe then I would. She was the most important thing in the universe to me.

I didn't have a choice.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

It was early morning but still dark when I finished packing. I took only what I needed and all of that could fit into one bag. I wasn't sure where I was going but it would have to be far from here. I left my I.D. card and everything the New Republic had given me. I was going off the grid.

I took a detour and stopped outside of Jan's apartment. I should have gone on and left but I wanted to see her face again, one last perfect memory to keep with me once she was out of my life forever.

I used the pass code she had told me to let myself in. Her apartment was a disaster, as always. Data pads were stacked on the table, the tele-net, even scattered all over the floor. No doubt most of them were reports that were probably due last year. Her kitchen was bare of food, pots or anything that was needed to make a meal. I had to smile at what I saw. Jan was a mechanic, not a housekeeper.

The door to her bedroom was open and I could see her lying on her bed. I crept into her room and gingerly sat down on the edge of her bed. She had one arm curved around her head on the pillow and the other rested lightly on her stomach. Her breaths were coming out softly and deep.

I reached up and traced the curve of her cheek with the back of my fingers. One strand of her dark brown hair had fallen over her forehead. I twirled it around my finger before tucking it behind her ear.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her though I knew she couldn't hear me, "I'm sorry about Ruusan." I paused before saying, "And I'm sorry about leaving you like this, but it's the only way to protect you…from me."

I traced the feathery hair of her eyebrow and followed the path back down to her cheek. "I can't say goodbye to Jan, because that would kill me completely."

My finger softly brushed her lips and tightness formed in my throat. "I can't pretend that I don't feel the way I do. This—this is the closest I'll get to saying this in person."

I needed to say it. It was the reason for why I had to go and I couldn't keep it from her. She wouldn't know what I had said, but I would. That would be enough.

"I love you," I whispered.

I bent over and pressed my lips to hers, but only for a moment. It was a stupid thing to do because it weakened my resolve. Not enough to make me stay though.

I left her bedroom and shouldered the bag I had dropped by the door. I didn't look back at what I was leaving behind. If I did, I would have broken down completely.

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A/N: Reviews are always appreciated but since the next chapter is one click away, why wait? But do review since we love your comments.


	2. Chapter 1: Searching for Hope

Disclaimer: We own absolutley nothing, even the computer is registered to our Dad.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: I feel so bad for Jan in this chapter. She's so hurt over Kyle's departure and it's only going to get worse from here on out. Seeing as how I have never been ditched by anyone I love, I think I did the best I could to bring out Jan's despair, the same goes for my sister as well. She's kind of creepy because she loves sad stuff like this. Anyways, on with the show!

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: I am not creepy, I like gut wrenching emotion and angst alwasys delivers in that regard. Yep I had fun with this one, I love showing people at their worst, it's what makes the story exciting and their character develops even more. It's fun!

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Chapter 1: Searching for Hope

Loka was a hot, dusty world excellent for smugglers and other men trying to live around the law. The sun was boiling the air until it seemed to sweat from the heat. Despite the uncomfortable atmosphere, the planet did well enough as a trading post. Pirates and smugglers came to trade for supplies and fuel without fear of being beaten down by pesky rules.

Hark was a fairly prosperous merchant, but one of many. He mostly traded weapons and mechanical parts, sometimes for credits sometimes for more merchandise. He had many regular customers, some paid well some didn't. But today he wasn't waiting for a customer, at least not a normal one.

Notices had been posted in various parts of the galaxy by the woman. She wanted to know about Jedi for some reason. Hark didn't want anything to do with those creepy bastards. It wasn't natural for someone, alien or human, to have so much power. Especially when they can turn into evil creatures like that Emperor was.

A young woman appeared at the end of the dirty street. She was a pretty thing with dark brown hair pulled back from her face with a hair-tie. Her clothes were sturdy, working clothes with brown pants, a white shirt and a darker brown vest. Grease stained gloves peeked out from the pocket of her vest. A blaster was holstered on a belt around her waist. She looked around the town but not with interest, more like determination.

Hark knew this was the woman he had been waiting for. Jan Ors was her name, an agent of the New Republic. He knew nothing else about her except that she supposedly was willing to pay for information on Jedi.

"Miss Ors?" he called out to her.

She locked eyes with him and now he could see that they were a deep, ocean blue. They were pain filled eyes, like she had been wounded too many times and now she couldn't heal. "You're the merchant who contacted me?"

Hark nodded. "That's right."

"What do you have?"

He reached under the counter of his stall and pulled out the object that had brought her here. "This."

Jan Ors' pretty blue eyes widened at the sight of the lightsaber. It was simple, with a black and silver hilt. There was a stamp on the bottom: the symbol of the old Jedi Order.

"How did you find this?" she asked eagerly.

"A man traded it in for one hundred and fifty credits. By the looks of him he needed the money for passage. When I asked him why he was getting rid of it, he said he needed to get away from the past that was chasing him."

A glimmer of hope entered her eyes. She picked up the lightsaber and pressed the black button. Hark jumped back when a column of light blue energy hummed to life in an instant. Frightening thing, those lightsabers. Those Jedi were crazy to use something like that.

Ors looked at the blue saber with disappointment. "It isn't Kyle's," she whispered. She pushed the button again and deactivated it.

"Does this mean you ain't gonna buy it?" Hark asked, also disappointed but because of the possible loss of a sale.

She shook her head. "No I'll still take it." He thought he heard her mutter, "Luke will probably want it," while she fumbled in her pockets.

She threw down a two hundred credit chip onto the table. That was at least two weeks pay, and that was only if he was lucky. "That should do it," She said.

With the lightsaber clipped to her belt, Jan Ors walked away and Hark thought he saw tears pooling in those lovely blue eyes.

* * *

Struck out. Again.

Jan sighed and wiped the tears from her eyes while she flew her ship towards the grey glow that was Coruscant. It was the third lightsaber she had found. The other two were red Sith blades. At least this one had once belonged to a Jedi, but not Kyle. His saber was green, not blue.

It had been six months since Kyle had left, six long, torturous months. Six lonely months with no one for her to confide in, to laugh with.

To trust completely.

When she had discovered he had left, Mon Mothma had given her permission to search for him. Jan had thought she could find him quickly enough. It was _Kyle_. She knew he had pink underwear for crying out loud, a gag gift from Han Solo. She couldn't help but smile at the memory of walking in on him while he was changing once which had resulted in unrelenting mockery over the pink boxers.

Point being that she knew everything about him. It was easy to assume that she would know where to look, but she was wrong. Kyle had vanished completely. No trace, no whisper of where he could be. Jan had no idea that he could disappear so well to where not even she, the woman who knew about his pink underwear, could find him.

She reached the edge of Coruscant atmosphere and pushed the transmitter button. "Coruscant Air Control, this is the _Moldy Crow_ returning to base, over."

There was a brief moment of static before a man's voice answered, "This is Coruscant Air Control to the _Moldy Crow_. You have permission to land in docking bay twelve."

"Roger that, _Crow_ out."

_Okay, Jan, time to get Kyle out of your mind. Focus on landing; that always works._ It was true. Focusing on her ship kept her mind from wandering, but once the job was done Kyle always returned to torture her again.

She landed her ship with no problems and locked her up before heading home. Her apartment was a wreck as always, and—like always—she promised herself to clean it up later but it would never come to pass.

Jan sent a transmission to Luke Skywalker about the lightsaber. He wasn't online, but he would no doubt return her message soon enough. She checked her messages: one from the chief mechanic Uly asking for help with a ship, another from Princess Leia who wanted her to attend the annual memorial service on the day their homeworld of Alderaan was destroyed.

No messages about or from Kyle but the last one did come from Mon Mothma. Her boss was checking in after getting her message about her possible lead. The woman had been one of Jan's greatest supporters over the last few months, but time was making it harder for both of them to keep hope alive.

Jan sighed and erased her messages. She better go see Mon Mothma now just to get the disappointment over with.

She locked up her apartment and took her time getting to the capital building where Mon Mothma's office was. She should have taken a transport, but Jan decided to walk instead. Exercise was good for the body. It was supposed to release endorphins or something to stimulate a better mood. Well it sure as hell wasn't working on her.

Jan had to walk by Kyle's favorite diner. It wasn't any fancy shmancy, silver spoon, a million worthless utensils kind of place. It was clean but not sterilized to a point where one was afraid to sit down. It served good, homemade food that Kyle said almost rivaled his late mother's cooking.

How many times had they eaten there? They would tell childhood mishaps and gossip over the scandalous deeds of others while sitting at the bar drinking beer. They had even argued once or twice there. One time she had gotten so angry that she'd tossed her sandwich at him. That had resulted in him squishing his pie into her hair. The next thing they knew a food fight had erupted throughout the entire diner, even the owner lobbed a few missiles. In the end everyone had to help clean up and to this day Jan couldn't remember what they had fought over. She could only remember Kyle's smiling face that was covered with red sauce and bits of soaked, mushy bread.

Jan stopped and took in a deep breath of that steamy, fresh from the oven smell that diner always gave off. Kyle had never been able to resist stepping in and grabbing some treat whenever they had passed it.

She walked away though. She had missed lunch but oddly enough she wasn't hungry. Actually she had been losing her appetite for the past several months? Who cared about food when their best friend was out their in the galaxy alone with no one to care for them? Jan knew Kyle could take care of himself, but still…she wanted to take care of him too.

The capital building of the New Republic was as grand as anything. They had torn down the Emperor's design and remade it to look like it used to before the revolution. Though the Jedi Academy was on Yavin IV now, they had also rebuilt the old temple as a memorial for all of those slain by order sixty-six.

Jan had to walk past the Temple to reach the capital. She didn't glance at it. The archives had failed in helping to find Kyle so at that moment she wasn't very happy at that particular structure.

She took the lift inside the capital building to the thirty seventh floor. Mon Mothma's prim, little Twi'lek secretary was sitting at her desk typing away at her console. She looked up and smiled. "Ah, Miss Ors, Mon Mothma was expecting you."

"Is she busy?"

"She is currently between meetings at the moment so I expect she'll see you now." The Twi'lek pushed the comm button and said, "Mon Mothma, Miss Ors is here."

"Send her in," was the reply.

Jan couldn't take the blue alien's smiles anymore so she was already walking towards the door when she started to say, "Go right—."

Mon Mothma was sitting at her desk going over a mountain of reports. None of them belonged to Jan, not just because she rarely ever turned them in on time but also because she hadn't had an assigned mission since Kyle left. Finding him had become her number one priority.

The leader smiled at Jan when she walked in. "Jan, it's good to see you."

"Thanks. It's nice to see you too." She said it to be polite and she did mean it; she liked Mon Mothma. But she didn't return the smile. It was hard to do that now.

The lack of joy was not lost to Mon Mothma. "I take it this lead was also unsuccessful."

"The merchant had a lightsaber, but it wasn't Kyle's."

Mon Mothma let out a long sigh and shook her head. "I'm sorry Jan. I know how hard this is for you."

"I can deal with hard times, Mon Mothma," Jan replied, "Kyle is out there somewhere and I _am_ going to find him."

"I truly hope so."

It was four words said to be polite. They didn't really give off the confidence that they said; something Jan knew very well. _"I truly hope that telling Katarn about his father is the right thing to do.""I truly hope that Kyle Katarn has betrayed the Empire like you say he has." "I truly hope that you both will come out of this mission alive."_

"_I truly hope that Kyle feels the same way you do."_

Jan wasn't one to pretend such words didn't sting. "You don't think I can find him, do you?"

Mon Mothma sighed again and leaned back in her chair. "I think you can, but I also think you should consider the possibility that you might not."

"But I will find him."

"Jan, it has been six months and you've chased dozens of leads. I'm tired of seeing your disappointment every time you hit another dead end."

"Then don't look," Jan replied, turning bitter at the hard truth.

Ever so insightful, Mon Mothma could see she had struck a cord, but also ever the diplomat she remained compassionate and understanding. "I'm sorry to upset you, but I wanted you to know the truth." She gave her a hopeful smile, "I still say that if anyone can find him you can, but I want you to be prepared for the worst."

Her sympathy did nothing to settle Jan's anger. "Well consider me prepared," Jan said through gritted teeth.

Mon Mothma gave her a small nod with a hurt look. "I can see we won't agree. You may go now if you wish."

"Thank you," Jan replied before leaving her chair and walking out of the room as fast as she could.

Tears of anger and pain were stinging her eyes but she blinked them away. She would prove that Mon Mothma was wrong. There was no need to prepare for the worst because she would find Kyle. That was the only thing that kept her heart from breaking beyond repair.

* * *

Yavin IV always seemed both beautiful and creepy to Jan, it was covered in forest with ruins peaking between the green trees but from what Luke had learned of the history of this moon it had a dark past as well full of death and not just the destruction of the Death Star. A lot of good men had died above the moon during that battle that changed the course of the rebellion but many more had died in the battles that had taken place thousands of years before when the Sith had fought for domination. There was no doubt about it; this was a place of death.

Jan smiled then as she made her landing, _well you're glass is half-empty today isn't it Jan. It's just a moon, you never believed in spirit crap before._

Of course since she'd seen what the Force could do now she was ready to believe in just about anything, including Jedi ghosts and tainted ruins.

Luke was waiting for her in the temple, reconstruction of the Jedi Order was only just beginning so there weren't that many people about the temples though Jan knew that more and more Force sensitive people were being found everyday. Everyone knew though that it would take years for the Jedi to be restored to former glory but it was hopeful to see that the Emperor hadn't destroyed those great people like one thought.

"Jan," Luke spoke smiling at his old friend, "It's good to see you."

"You have something for me?" Jan asked getting straight to business. That was who she was today, she no longer had time to chit-chat or friendly conversation, there was only one thing that mattered anymore.

Luke didn't seem bothered by her rudeness, "I'm in perfect health, thank you for asking. That is very considerate of you."

Jan felt a twinge of guilt at her lack of manners but her determination to find Kyle was her number one priority and she would do whatever it took to find him, "That lead I had in Loka was a dead end, but I did find this," she handed over the lightsaber she'd bought.

"Thank you Jan," Luke replied genuinely, "Every little thing helps."

She nodded but only hesitated ever so briefly before steering the conversation back to what she wanted, "So about Kyle…"

"Jan I don't have any solid leads on his location," he reminded her, "I don't know anything more than you."

"But you said that you had information."

He sighed, "I've heard reports that an Imperial Remnant base _may_ have captured a Jedi."

Jan smiled, her eyes sparked with hope and excitement, "Where's the base? Do you know how they captured him? What other information do you have? Do you think…?"

Luke held up a hand to stop her barrage of questions, "Slow down Jan, I don't have much. There is a Remnant base on Hethar in the Darlon Sector, I have reports that they have captured someone with a lightsaber."

Her smile grew, "It could be Kyle."

"Or just a civilian with an expensive souvenir."

"Come on Luke, how many people have lightsabers?"

"Well you just relieved a merchant of one yesterday," he pointed out, "I hate to be the bad guy here Jan but you can't waste your life hunting down leads for someone who doesn't want to be found, it's going to get you into trouble."

She shook her head, "No, I'm going to find him, this captured Jedi could be him! It makes sense, the Remnant would love to get their hands on Kyle and he is a Jedi now, maybe this is why I haven't been able to find him!"

"A lightsaber isn't enough proof Jan."

"It's enough for me." She turned on her heel to walk out of the room.  
"Where are you going?!"

"To Hethar, to find my friend."

Luke grabbed her arm to stop her, "If this is a captured Jedi then this is my business too."

"I don't need you're help Luke," Jan told him pointedly, "I've infiltrated dozens of Remnant bases alone."

"Let me come with you Jan, I have some things to take care of first but we can go to Hethar in a few days…"

"I'm not waiting that long." She cut him off and stalked away in the direction of her ship.

"Jan!" Luke called out after her but she ignored him completely, instead Luke watched her retreating figure. He heaved a sigh, no one was getting through to Jan, not him not Mon Mothma…no one.

_Kyle wouldn't want this_ Luke thought to himself, _He wouldn't want her scouring the galaxy like a mad woman ignoring what's best for her and her friends._ He remembered the desperate look in her eyes and the sallow appearance of her skin and a sickening thought took hold of him.

_It's killing her._

* * *

Jan walked through the jungles of Yavin IV and listened to the birds twitter in the trees. It wasn't creepy right now when all she could see were trees and flowers. Rain had fallen yesterday so everything was moist and lush from the water's nourishment. The sunlight felt good on her skin. She had grown so pale over the past few months; a tan would do her some good. Yeah, she could become one of those girls who wear those skimpy, bits of nothing bikinis and lay out on the crystal white beaches, burning away their skin with UV rays. That would happen when Han painted the _Millennium Falcon_ pink.

A crunching sound stole her attention. Jan immediately pulled out her blaster and went on full alert. Imperial Remnant's sometimes tried to attack New Republic strongholds while they were unaware. Another crackling from a boot stomping on fallen leaves and sticks.

Jan crept towards the sound with stealthy footprints. Years of being in a tutu thanks to her mother, the ballerina, had given her the grace to practically float when she wanted to. She pushed aside the prickly branches of a jungle bush and gasped at what she saw.

Kyle was standing in front of her with that carefree grin on his face. He looked exactly the same since the last time she saw him. Cropped brown hair that refused to behave, scruffy beard that she had always pretended to hate. His brown eyes still sparkled with that impish personality and they smiled at her with that secret look she had never seen him give to anyone else.

Before she could say anything, he took off through the jungle trees. "Kyle, wait!" Jan cried and raced after him. She tripped over roots a dozen times but refused to let herself fall. Kyle remained ahead of her. Sometimes he would stop and let her catch up but then he would turn around and run again just when she was almost upon him.

He led her to some ruins she had never seen before. There he stopped on top of the flat, cracked stone floor and waited for her. Jan smiled when she realized she was about to catch him. He was here. She had found him.

Suddenly she found herself flat on the ground. Jan stood up and took a step towards Kyle. An invisible force with the strength of a steel wall stood between them. Jan banged one fist on the wall and then the other. Again and again she hammered at it but it refused to crumble.

She screamed and cried but still nothing could bring her closer to Kyle. "Kyle," she sobbed out his name.

He left the ruins to stand directly in front of her. One of her palms was spread out on the invisible wall and he placed his hand directly over hers. She could feel the warm of his palm touching her fingers, but the wall was still between them.

"Goodbye, Jan," he told her before turning around and walking back to the ruins.

"No," she whispered and then started banging again, "No Kyle, come back! Come back! Please come back!"

Still he kept on walking. A blinding white light was waiting for him at the end of the ruins and he continued to trek towards it without looking back at her. "Kyle!" she shouted out his name, "Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!"

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"Kyle!" Jan shouted out the name when she bolted up from her chair. She looked at the place around her and saw it was filled with controls, blinking lights and knobs and switches, not ferns and vine covered trees.

She was on the _Moldy Crow_ inbound for Hethar and not on Yavin IV. There had never been any unknown ruins, not invisible wall.

No Kyle.

Jan put her elbow on the dashboard of the crow and sobbed into her palm. Another nightmare that was immediately worse when she woke up without Kyle near. She used to come to him whenever she had bad dreams sometimes they were about Alderaan and her parents' last moments, other times they were about the many times she had been tortured while working for the Rebellion. Every time Kyle had assured her that he would never let anything hurt her and that he would make things better.

He wasn't there anymore to make things better. Now her dreams haunted her whenever she woke up.

Tears were still rolling down her cheeks while Jan fumbled around her vest pocket and found her most treasured possession. It was a picture of Kyle she had managed to take last year at a surprise birthday party she had thrown for him. He hated getting his picture taken so she had waited for him to smile at something someone said and then zeroed in on him. The chase that followed after he saw the flash had ended with her hiding on top the _Crow_ while he tried to figure out a way to follow her up there and break the camera.

His smile had always cheered up but not today. "Where are you?" she asked the lifeless picture, "I need you, Kyle. I need you so much."

A beeping sound signaled her approach towards Hethar. Jan tucked the picture back into her pocket and swiped at her wet cheeks. What a mess she was turning into, crying like some bleached blonde fruitcake that was told she looked fat in a skintight dress.

Jan took the _Moldy Crow_ off of autopilot and took control. She stayed away from the settlement and landed instead in a patch of prairie land that was a few miles away. The base was about twenty clicks away from the small town. It was supposed to be abandoned but sometimes people could be wrong, especially if they were being paid off.

Jan unloaded a swoop-bike she and Kyle had fixed up a few years back. It had been his idea so that way she could land the _Crow_ somewhere uninhabited and ride with him to their next mission as an extra hand.

She finished loading up the bike and revved it to life with the turn of a key. The need to focus on the area ahead and the ground blurring beneath her bike forced Kyle out of her mind. She had to find the base and then infiltrate it. The Jedi would most likely be in the prison level if the base had one. If not then he would be in a store room or some other secured part of the base. If the Jedi was Kyle he would already be planning his escape.

The hope that he was near warmed her heart the entire length of the ride. She found the base to be built into the base of a rocky canyon. The river had dried up or was drained by the Imperials many years ago so it was safe for her to walk in. Jan parked the swoop-bike behind a cluster of boulders. She pulled out the remote and signaled for the bike to cloak itself to look invisible, a shield she had rigged up a while back. Unfortunately the power cell could only work on small machines, like the bike. She was still trying to figure out a way to make one for the _Moldy Crow_, but Kyle's disappearance had put a stop on that.

With the swoop-bike secure, Jan punched a grappling hook into the earth on top of the canyon. She clipped the end of a smooth steel rope, which was twisted inside the crown of the hook, to her waist. Without looking down, Jan leapt off of the side of cliff. She squeezed the rope to stop her fall and planted her feet onto the side of the canyon wall. She pushed away from the wall and dropped a couple more feet before stopping again. She kept this up until her feet touched the bottom of the canyon.

Jan unhooked the rope from her waist and staked it into the canyon floor to keep it from springing back up into the hook. Now on secure ground, Jan hugged the canyon wall to try and keep from being seen. The base had a small door at the bottom of the canyon. Well it was actually more of vent than a door. She hoped it wasn't the garbage chute. Kyle would never let her live it down if she came in covered in gook and smelling like rotten meat.

It wasn't the garbage chute but it was ventilation shaft that blew out hot air. It must lead to the power generators to keep them from overheating. Oh well, being covered in sweat was better than having slime stocked up her ears.

She burned away the grate with her fusion cutter and crawled inside. It was hot and dusty and smelled like rusty iron, but Jan had been through worse. She had to walk hunched over and blind. A torch could give her away so she could only rely on the shaft's walls as her guide.

Air was being billowed towards her by a fan, sending her hair straight behind her, despite its hair tie. Some strands escaped and tickled the sides of her face. She had to put all of her weight into the soles of her shoes to keep herself from being blown backwards once she reached the fan.

Her eyes were stinging from the fan blowing them dry. She squinted while she pulled out her fusion cutter again and sliced through the heart of the fan. Once the panel was opened she simply turned the cutter on all of the wires. Sparks jumped out at her but the fan slowly whirled to a stop.

Jan pushed the blades aside until she had enough room to crawl through. Indeed, the shaft had led to the power generators. This was good because they wouldn't be able to scope out signals here. They would have to check the room in person. There was the possibility that the fan's deactivation would be noticed so she had to get out of there quick.

Part of being an operative was to make sure the base was unaware of her infiltration. This meant killing any Imperial who spotted her, preferably before they sounded the alarm. That had happened before to her but Kyle had always been at her back. She had exaggerated to Luke about how many times she'd infiltrated bases alone. It had actually been only twice and one of those times she had been captured. This was right before she found Kyle and told him about his father so she'd had to get out of that one on her own. Her successful infiltration had been a rescue mission to get Kyle out of one of his usual scrapes. So in truth she didn't have a lot of experience in going this by herself. But she was determined to find her friend and she had high hopes that he was here.

Jan poked her head out of the door to a corridor. Footsteps told her that someone was coming so she ducked back inside. She stayed plastered to wall, waiting to see if he would come into the power hold. He walked past the door, much to her relief. Jan slid out of the room and crept up behind him.

For several feet she mimicked his every movement just to get a kick out of it. When that got boring she cleared her throat to grab his attention. The Imp turned around to see her grinning face. "Nighty night," she told him before slamming her fist into his temple.

Now that he was unconscious, she dragged his limp body into an empty storeroom. He would be out for several hours so that gave her plenty of time to find Kyle and get the hell out of there.

Jan kept her blaster ready while she walked through the corridors with her eyes seeking out anything that could be a threat. A door was locked up ahead but she was a master at poking her nose, or actually her omni-tools, into other people's business.

It took three computer spikes to decrypt the pass code and open the door. Inside was a large store house filled with hundred of crates stacked on top of one another. She walked inside and stopped in front of one crate. Using her fusion cutter again, she sliced through the seal on the cover and took a peak inside.

Weapons. Dozens of them. So that's what the purpose of the base was, a weapons facility, maybe even a manufacturer. She'd have to tell Mon Mothma about this place so she could send a team to destroy it, but for now her number one goal was rescuing Kyle.

"Hey!" a voice shouted at her. Sithspit! She'd lingered too long. Jan whirled around and fired two shots at the Imp. Both of them struck home in his chest and he sank to the ground with blood pooling beneath him.

She didn't have time to bring him anywhere, besides she couldn't exactly clean up the blood. She could only hope that no one would find him until after she was long gone from Hethar.

Judging by the size of the base, Jan concluded that they wouldn't have a prison level. That meant she would have to find a talkative Imp and get him to tell her where Kyle was. She abandoned the long line of weapons and continued her journey through the base.

Her best bet to find someone would be the personnel quarters. Catching an Imp with his pants down was guaranteed to get her whatever she wanted. There was a console up ahead behind a glass wall. An officer was working at it, probably trying to figure out why the cooling fan was offline.

Jan fired one shot to break the glass and then another a split second later to slice through the Imp's head. The broken glass crunched beneath her boots as she walked up to the console. The officer was still logged on so it took only a few key strokes to bring up a map on the facility. Unfortunately there was no arrow pointing to a room that said 'Jedi prisoner here', but the location of the quarters was visible.

She logged the route into her memory and then blasted the console into pieces. Jan continued down the hallways, taking a right at one then a left at another until she found the sign that told her the personnel quarters were past this door.

A pass-card was needed but a computer spike worked just as well. Once the door was opened she walked inside and chose the first door on the left. Empty.

She tried the other one and struck gold. An Imp was inside getting dressed, still in his underwear. To his shame he wasn't much to look at so Jan kind of wished she'd found another Imp with his pants down. He was balding and a bit pudgy from overindulging his sweet tooth.

"Hi there," Jan greeted with a fake smile and her blaster aimed at his head, "Could you be a gentleman and tell me where the Jedi is being held?"

"Go to hell, lady."

"Not the answer I was looking for," she replied before shooting him in the kneecap. The Imp screamed in pain and covered his gushing knee with his palm. "Now I'm going to ask again: where is the Jedi?"

"Store room next to Control," he said through gritted teeth.

Jan lowered her blaster from his head. "Thank you very much." Then she slammed the butt of her but onto the side of his bald head.

Thanks to the map she knew that the control room was in the center of the facility. Walking the entire way there would be suicide so she had to come up with another way to get there. Her eyes found the ventilation shaft on the ceiling over the bed. Great, more dust.

Not bothering with the fusion cutter, Jan blasted away the cover and jumped up to grab the edges. She hoisted herself up; using all of the strength she could muster, until she was inside. She paused for a few moments to catch her breath before crawling towards the center of the base.

This would have been a lot easier if someone were directing her where to go, much like she had done before with Kyle. For now she could only rely on her memory and luck to bring her to her destination.

She stopped at every grate and would peek inside to see where she was. Personnel quarters, kitchen, guy peeing in the fresher (yuck!), Control, yes!

Back to the fusion cutter, Jan gouged only a small hole through the grate. Once that was done she pulled out a grenade and armed it. "Bye Imperial scum," she whispered then dropped the grenade to the floor.

The four men inside the control turned around to see the grenade touch ground and then it exploded. Unfortunately Jan made a rookie mistake. The blast not only took out the control room, but it cracked the ceiling and made her fall through.

She hit the ground rolling and dropped her blaster. _Good one, Jan_, she thought to herself as she lay there with bruises already starting to form. _Kill yourself when Kyle is twenty feet away, great idea_.

Jan groaned as she stood up from the rubble. Her blaster was no where in sight but she found it when someone pressed the muzzle to the back of her head. "Who are you and what do you want?" the Imp behind her demanded.

"Me?" she inquired, "I just want to hear you sing soprano." With that said, she kicked her leg back until the heel of her boot dug into his groin. He let out a cry of total agony and fell to the side. Jan whirled around and kicked him in the stomach and then retrieved her blaster. She fired one shot into his head, never getting her wish to hear him sing an aria. Her eyes spotted the hilt of a lightsaber clipped to the man's belt. Greedily, she scooped it up and activated it. Green!

Jan kept her blaster in hand but her heart was already leaping into her throat when she saw the door to the store room. She was already imagining their reunion. He would be so glad to see her after being captured by the Imps. Kyle would hug her and apologize for all the pain he put her through. She'd assure him that all was forgiven…if he'd be her slave for life. They'd both laugh and then they'd leave this hell hole and return home and would never be apart again, forever.

She used a computer spike to unlock the door, already smiling with joy. And then it fell.

The curious brown eyes of a young boy, maybe eighteen or nineteen years old, looked up at her with interest. His had shaggy blonde hair that fell into his eyes. Obviously he hadn't had time to get a haircut. He was restrained with a set of iron bands welded to the wall. "Whoa," he gasped when he saw her, "My guardian angel is hot."

Her disappointment was still flooding her senses, but she did manage to raise her brows and glare at him. "Your guardian angel? Say something like that to me again and you'll wish that Palpatine will rise from the dead to finish you off."

"Warning computed," the kid said but he was still grinning at his good fortune, "So are you here to save me?"

"I guess so," she said with a sigh, "You are the Jedi the Imps captured right?"

"I'm not exactly a Jedi," he replied, "I mean I can use the Force, but I'm not trained. My dad was a Jedi but Darth Vader killed him thirteen years ago."

Jan nodded. "And how old are you exactly?"

"Twenty-one."

She let out a little chuckle and shook her head, "Try again."

"Okay, eighteen."

"Better." Jan lifted up the lightsaber, "I take it this is yours." She threw it at the kid and he caught it.

"Thanks. It was my father's."

"I don't suppose you have a name, do you?"

"Cole Reigan," he said while extending a hand, "And you are?"

Jan accepted the hand and gave it a quick shake. "Jan Ors."

Cole's brown eyes widened after the last syllable was uttered. "Are you _the_—?"

"Yep," she broke his sentence, not in the mood for the usual praise.

"So you worked with Kyle Katarn. Is he here too?"

The mention of her absent friend's name sent a wave of despair rolling from the top of her head down to her toes and then moving back up to settle in her heart. "No, he's not."

The shrill sound of an alarm cut through the air and squealed into their ears. Jan and Cole covered their ears but that only dampened the effect by a small percentage. "Sithspit they've found us!" Jan shouted above the noise.

"What do we do?!" Cole yelled back at her.

"Follow me!"

Jan lead the way through the maze of corridors with her blaster ready. They turned one corner and there were four Imps waiting for them with shots already firing. Cole deflected their blows with his lightsaber while Jan picked them off one by one.

"You're pretty handy with that thing," Jan complimented her young Jedi.

"That's about all I can do," he replied, "My father never got to teach me the fencing styles so make sure I don't run into any Sith."

"No promises, that happens to me _a lot_."

They ran down another corridor and met up with three Imps, one on the right two on the left. Cole kept his back to the one to deflect the blasts of the other while Jan put her back to his and shot the Imp that was alone. She then spun around on bended knee to take out the other two.

"Something tells me this isn't the first time you've had to fight with a Jedi," Cole observed as she stood up.

"We don't exactly have time to swap stories so let's just go!" Jan growled at him in a harsher tone than she meant but it got him to shut up and move.

They reached the power room with several Imps on their tail. The exact number was unknown as there wasn't enough time to count. Cole stayed behind Jan to shield the shots with his lightsaber until the reached the cooling vent.

"Run!" she shouted to Cole behind her as they crawled through the shaft. Sunlight was up ahead and that gave Jan more adrenaline to push forward until she was outside.

"Hurry!" she urged him, gesturing for him to follow. Their feet crunched the gravel on the canyon floor as they raced towards the rope Jan had left from earlier that day. No one was chasing them yet but that didn't mean that they wouldn't.

Jan reached the rope first and she grasped it with both hands and pulled her feet off the ground. She kept her boots planted to the canyon wall as she pulled herself up towards the top. Cole was below her following her motions.

A shot hit the canyon wall beside her. "They're coming!" she shouted. They both scrambled up the rope in a desperate attempt to reach the top before they were riddled with holes.

Jan's fingers found the edge of the canyon and she grunted with effort as she swung herself over onto the flat ground. She offered Cole her hand to help him up the final bit as well. Once he was on sturdy ground with her, Jan released the rope from the grappling hook and it fell down into the canyon.

"Come on," she told Cole. Experience had taught her that you weren't safe until you had cleared the atmosphere completely and even then be cautious.

She found the remote to the swoop-bike and deactivated its invisible cloak. "Whoa," Cole gasped at what he must have thought was one of the coolest things he'd ever seen.

"It's not that impressive, now get on." Jan took the controls while her Jedi follower took the seat behind her. The engine roared to life as they bolted away from the canyon.

She focused again on the bike and what she had to do in order to escape, there were no other thoughts. Even when they reached the _Moldy Crow_, she still had to force Cole to stop exclaiming over how cool everything was and start up the engines to blast away from the worthless rock.

Only after Cole had collapsed onto one of the cots and the course for Yavin IV was set did Jan lock herself up in the cockpit and cry.

She had failed once again.

* * *

Luke wasn't happy with Jan and her impetuous decision to break into the base alone but thankful she'd returned and grateful that she delivered Cole to the academy, any new recruit was appreciated. She didn't care about that though, she mumbled a good-bye to Cole and wished him the best of luck as a Jedi before hopping onto the _Crow_ to head back to Coruscant.

This time she didn't sleep, it was a long trip but she still refused to close her eyes. She didn't want another nightmare, to see Kyle leave her again; she couldn't face that after her hopes had already crashed around her for the umpteenth time. Instead she passed the time honing her mechanics skills on small projects like the swoop bike. They weren't necessary but they kept her mind busy and off of Kyle.

But the skyline of Coruscant finally appeared and there was only so much she could do aboard the _Crow_ so she grabbed her bag and made her way to her apartment. Nothing had changed, the mess hadn't magically been cleaned and her reports hadn't disappeared. She had several messages from friends, Mon Mothma included, but she didn't reply to them, she didn't have the heart for false cheerfulness.

Instead she simply dropped her bag onto the floor and sat on the edge of her bed staring at a mirror on the wall. But she didn't see her reflection, instead she saw the long list of failures she had accomplished since Kyle had left, every time she came close something happened and he slipped away. Like sand slipping through her fingers, with each passing day her hopes died more and more, one grain of sand at a time. She closed her eyes slowly, trying to erase that long list from her vision.

"Well since you're going to waste your time scouring the galaxy at least you're doing some sterling good deeds too."

Jan smiled at Kyle's voice; she opened her eyes to see him in front of her, with that annoyingly charming grin as usual.

"It wasn't my intention to save Cole."

"No but you did which is a good thing," he pointed out, "but you feel guilty because you're disappointed. You should be happy but you're not, you saved his life but all the while you're wishing that _he_ hadn't been there."

She glared at him, "You're really annoying today you know that."

"That's because I'm right."

"Of course you're right," Jan exclaimed, "you're a figment of my imagination. A specter that my mind conjures up to remind me that I'm going crazy!"

"Or maybe I'm the part of you that's still sane," he countered, "maybe I'm the voice of reason because deep down you know that you need to stop this hunt and let me find you when I'm ready."

"I can't do that," Jan told him simply.

"Try."

"NO!" She shouted at him, "I _need_ to see you, to talk to you about what happened, about how I feel. I need to find you so I can kick your overprotective Jedi ass!"

He stopped smiling at looked at her seriously, "You don't need me Jan. You just think that you do. What you need to do is stop looking, all you are going to do is fail and you'll just hurt yourself more."

She shook her head, "I'm not giving up."

"You won't find me."

"Yes I will!"

"You _won't_ find me and maybe you never will."

"SHUT UP!!!" Jan yelled and reared back and punched Kyle.

Or rather where the Kyle specter had been but instead her fist simply whistled through empty air and landed against the mirror.

The glass shattered and shards flew all over the bed and carpet, imbedding into the skin of Jan's hand. Pain exploded up her through her body as blood welled up against her knuckles and the back of her hand, dripped down her wrist and onto the floor. First she just looked at the damage she had just committed to herself, not really feeling anything but the numb empty hole in her heart.

She clutched her bleeding hand against her chest and sobbed, gut wrenching cries that welled up from inside of her chest and escaped her lips. Her chest heaved and her head ached from all of the tears but she couldn't stop.

"Please," she finally managed to whisper to the empty room, "Please Kyle…let me find you…

"Let me save you...so you can save me."

* * *

A/N: Poor, poor Jan. If you are on the brink of tears like I am, review and tell us what you think. Chapter 2 coming soon!


	3. Chapter 2: Deny, Deny, Deny

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Only one review so far? That's a shame, but I can live with it. We're not just writing for all of you but for ourselves as well. I love it when I look back at what I've just written and say "Whoa, did I really write that?" Anyways, poor Jan is slipping even further into madness as her search for Kyle continues to bear no fruit. And the same time, a darkness is beginning to form that will follow her and Kyle until they destroy it or become destroyed themselves. Dun dun DUN!

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: We just can't let this story go, I can't believe we wrote this last chapter so fast but hey you guys are the ones who benefit in the end and I love writing so there aren't any complaints here. With each chapter I get more and more excited, I love dark and gloomy Jan, it's fun showing the tough as nails pilot breaking down, it's a side that we never get to see. I hope that everyone likes this fic and I hope that people will draw inspiration from it as well.

**Shanesnest**: Awww you gave us the ultimate compliment, but we're no where near ready to publish anything for real! But then again who knows? We are so glad that you love this fic and as our only reviewer so far that makes it extra special. We really hope that this gives you some ideas for the continuation of The Rise and Fall, after all our obbsessive nature with these two partners has made us a treasure trove of usless but cool information LOL. Keep reading, we think you'll enjoy the ride ahead.

On another note, as inspiration for the pain that Jan is going through we recommend listening to Need by Hana Pestle and or My Immortal by Evanescence. Both songs really capture the emotions that Jan is feeling, it's easy to see her struggles within the lyrics of these songs. Check them out.

* * *

Chapter 2: Deny, Deny, Deny

No leads.

How could there be no leads? Kyle was out there somewhere and no one knew anything about a Jedi running around with a green lightsaber who left behind a friend who was now going crazy with worry? This couldn't be.

Jan was hard at work creating more notices to have posted through out the galaxy. She thought about putting Kyle's name and picture, but Luke had suggested months ago that this would send Kyle into an even deeper hole where she'd never find him. Dare she risk it all?

No, she wasn't that desperate yet, but she was well on her way there. Instead she just put down a reward for _anything_ about Jedi, weapons or person, and followed that with her trans-number.

She'd planned on sending it immediately but the signal of her hologram pad warned her that a message was soon coming. It was Mon Mothma.

"Jan, are you there?"

She stepped into view. "Yes, Mon Mothma?"

"Would you please come to my office immediately?"

A spark of hope gleamed into Jan's blue eyes. "Is it Kyle? Have you found something?"

"I'm afraid that I have no news on Kyle," she replied solemnly, "Please come so we can talk."

Jan's heart seemed to sink out of her chest and plop onto the floor. Still no Kyle. It had been over six months and still nothing. How could this be? He was somewhere, why was it that he eluded her so well?

"Jan? Jan? Are you still there?"

She realized that Mon Mothma was still online and needed a reply to her message. "Yeah, sure I'll be there."

"Excellent. I look forward to seeing you."

Mon Mothma's image blinked out, leaving Jan without any form of human contact. It was strange. Before she met Kyle she had been just as alone as she was now, why was it that she was so lonesome now? Every bit of being seemed to ache without Kyle being near. She was afraid to sleep because he haunted her dream. It was getting harder and harder to take her mind off of Kyle and where he could be.

Jan worried over him as she locked up her apartment and hailed down a transport to take her to the capital building. What if Kyle was hurt? Or captured by the Remnant? Or worse, the Sith? Trouble had seemed to stalk him around every corner, but she'd always been there to watch his back. She was alone now so he was bound to fall into something bad. What would happen now that she wasn't there?

_Stop it, Jan, stop it right now! You're already losing your marbles; don't let them all fall out of your head by worrying about Kyle's impeccable streak of bad luck. He's a big boy; he can take care of himself…most of the time._

The transport ride was quick, too quick. She would have preferred more time to think or at least to prepare herself for whatever Mon Mothma wanted. Things hadn't been particularly smooth between them for a while. Truth be told, she'd been having problems with all of her friends. It was mainly her fault, she could admit that, but they had all given up on Kyle. Could she help but be annoyed by their lack of faith?

Mon Mothma's Twi'lek secretary was out, much to Jan's relief, so she just walked right in. As expected, Mon Mothma was waiting for her inside. "Good afternoon, Jan."

"Hi," she said curtly before sitting down, "So what'd you call me in for?"

"I suppose it is best to cut to the chase," Mon Mothma agreed though it was likely she would have preferred the normal courtesy chitchat. She picked up a data-pad off of her desk and handed it to Jan, "I have an assignment for you. General Damis was spotted on Sermia. I want you to bring him to Coruscant so he can be tried on war crimes for the Ullinian Massacre."

Jan knew about Damis and how he slaughtered seven hundred Ullinian's for rebelling against the Empire back in the early years of Palaptine's reign. He was a monster and deserved to be caught and tried, but not by her. She didn't have time to deal with this.

"With all do respect, I would rather you gave this assignment to someone else," Jan said.

Mon Mothma gave her a quizzical frown. "Why would you want that?"

"I don't have the time to give this my full attention."

"Jan, you haven't had an assignment in months, time is something you have an abundance of."

"I have been busy these past months looking for Kyle," Jan argued back, feeling the frustration boiling up inside of her like a pot of stew forgotten on a burner.

"But you haven't found anything," Mon Mothma stated the hard truth that cut so deeply through Jan's heart, "I thought you could continue your search while at the same time working for me again."

"I _am_ working for you. I am working on finding your best operative and bringing him home."

Mon Mothma let out a sigh and reverted her eyes to her desk. Jan had always been a bit obstinate, that wasn't anything new, but her growing irritability and her mounting obsession with finding Kyle was new, and it was taking its toll on her. Jan had grown extremely pale over the past six months and she looked like she had lost weight. Her eyes were filled with so much pain, and beneath that, fear. Jan was afraid that she'd fail and Mon Mothma was afraid of what would happen when that day came. Would Jan be able to survive that?

"To be honest, Jan, I'm worried about you," Mon Mothma decided to voice her concerns.

Jan looked a bit surprised. "Worried about me? Why?"

"This mad hunt to find Kyle is putting a terrible strain on you," she told her gently, hoping to reach that bit of Jan that was still sane. "Maybe you should take a break from all of this and let someone else continue to search."

"No!" Jan cried out more forcibly than she meant, "I—I mean, I know Kyle better than anyone. I'll admit, he's managed to elude me so far, but I'm certain that I'll find him soon."

Her confidence was minimal and that was apparent in her words. Mon Mothma shook her head the girl. "Jan, maybe you should talk to someone about this. I can recommend an excellent doctor."

"You want me to see a shrink?"

"I want you to be happy again."

Jan knew she was telling the truth, but she also knew that talking about her feelings and her fears wasn't going to make her happy. Only one man had that power.

"I'm fine, Mon Mothma," she assured the woman, "I'll get the General for you, okay? I can take a break from the search."

"Jan, don't do this because you want to get me off your back."

"I'm not. I want to do this because it's the right thing to do," Jan assured her. She was lying between her teeth, but Mon Mothma chose to believe her. She was hoping that Jan could be saved.

"I'll be back with the general soon," Jan promised her before leaving the room unexcused. A gnawing feeling was attacking Mon Mothma's insides. Something told her she had made a terrible mistake.

* * *

Sermia was a well populated planet that grew up from a three continent world that rested on two big oceans. Jan touched down on a docking bay in the planet's capital, Relan. The report of Damis's appearance had said he had been spotted in the capital, so that was where she would start.

Ordinarily, Imperial generals are rather arrogant creatures who wouldn't be caught dead in the poverty slums of a city, but Jan was betting that Damis was smarter than that. An Imperial general facing war crimes would surely hide where he would think no one would look. This was good and bad news for Jan because the slums were filled to the brim with citizens which would make finding Damis that much harder.

However, she was glad that she was doing this. Focusing on something else besides her missing friend was a relief. It actually made her feel a tiny bit sane again.

The slums were filthy—what a shock—and filled with homeless people. Children ran through the streets in dirty clothes and many of them were barefoot. The smell of sewage and body odor tainted the air to a nearly unbearable level. Jan made a mental note to tell Mon Mothma about this. Obviously the senators of this sector weren't following their elected duties.

The whistleblower had been an apartment manager on one of the nicer blocks in the slums, though that didn't suggest much of a difference. Still, Jan betted that Damis lived in that area. The manager had refused to give any details except for where he wanted the reward money to be transferred, but Jan knew the address.

There were a bunch of apartment complexes but one of them had been abandoned after a fire. The top floors had been completely destroyed but the bottom half still looked stable. _Now if I were an Imperial asshole, that's where I would hide_.

Jan kept her blaster ready when she walked into the building. It was dark and smelled like ashes and rotten food, a disgusting combination. _Oh, how the mighty have fallen, _Jan couldn't but think as she surveyed what appeared to be the general's new home.

His hideout made her apartment look sterilized. A set of blankets was bunched up in the corner of the room, probably his bed. Wrappers and broken bottles spoke of his eating habits which weren't healthy. Apparently the general was not only a wanted man but also flat broke since junk food was all he could afford.

Damis appeared from a darker end of the building, probably relieving himself since there wasn't a fresher anywhere as far as Jan could see. "Good evening, general," she spoke up with mocking politeness.

The general looked up at her with wide eyes and then took in the sight of her blaster. "I don't want to touch your murdering hands, so put these on yourself," Jan said before tossing him the binders she had brought with her.

"As you wish." Damis appeared to be putting one of the cuffs onto his wrist, but Jan learned too late that he was really reached for the blaster concealed at his waist.

She ducked down and rolled before his shot could hit her. Jan came back up firing but he managed to get out of the way without getting hit either. Her mission was to bringing him back to face a trial, not to kill him. It was time to be covert.

The building had been stripped to its studs, leaving her dozens of large, metal columns to hide behind. Jan crawled on her belly towards one of the pillars, picking up the discarded binders along the way. Now at her pillar, she slowly stood up with her finger ready at the trigger. She waited patiently until the general got curious and stood up from his hiding place.

He had his own blaster ready as he surveyed the room for Jan. She kept her breaths low and even so he wouldn't hear her and she refused to move any muscles besides blinking. She watched as he walked a few steps past her pillar, then she leapt out behind him and placed the blaster to the back of his head. "You're a little rusty, Damis," she said to him, "Drop it."

With no way out, Damis complied and let his weapon fall to the ground. Jan gave him the binders again. "Now you be a good little murderer and put those on."

"What you call murder I call justice for those who dared to betray the Emperor."

"Palpatine's dead, psycho, you don't have any one to follow now, except me now put on those binders," she ordered with no mercy in her tone. She wasn't in the mood for any Imperial bravado today.

Damis finally locked his wrist into the binders and Jan gave him a shove forward. "Walk."

She kept her gun at his back to keep him moving as they walked through the slums. People watched the once honored Imperial general being led towards his trial. Some smiled at the sight; others didn't understand what was happening and just blinked in confusion.

They were in the more cared for part of Relan when Damis got a bit obstinate. "Is dragging me through the streets like this really necessary?"

Jan smiled. "No, I could have called the local law enforcement and they could have transported you to Coruscant. I just thought the humiliation of defeat would do you some good."

It was then that Jan saw a sight she had only seen before in her dreams and in the insane part of her mind. It was the profile of a man with unmanageable brown hair and beard that grew on his handsome face. "Kyle," she whispered his name, scarcely able to breath. "Kyle!"

She broke into a run with her heart already pounding so hard she feared it would break through her ribs and fall down at her feet. Kyle was walking away, didn't even see her. Tears of joy were filling her eyes. She had found him!

"Kyle!" she called out his name when she finally reached him. She grasped his shoulder and forced him to turn around to face her…then her heart sank into a deep hole in her chest.

He had brown hair and a beard like Kyle, but his eyes were green, not brown, and a scar ran down his right cheek. The stranger blinked back at her in confusion. "Do I know you, miss?"

Jan closed her eyes and shook her head. "I thought you were someone else." She turned away with tears rolling down her cheeks. How cruel to think she'd found him again and then for it to be taken away for the hundredth time. Fate was playing some terrible tricks with her.

She heard a scream that forced her out of her gloom. Sithspit! The general! She'd abandoned him to chase after another dead end.

Jan took out her blaster and chased after the direction the scream had come from. She screamed insults at herself in her head while she raced as fast as she could. Another desperate scream rang out and this fueled her pace.

Damis had managed to secure a gun, probably pick-pocketed it from some civilian. He had his arms hooked around an innocent woman's neck with the muzzle of the pistol pressed to her throat.

Jan stopped cold when she saw he had a hostage. "I suggest you don't move another step forward," Damis said to her, "Now put the blaster on the ground and then toss this woman the key to the binders."

Jan nodded at him and knelt to the ground supposedly to place her blaster there. Instead she fired one shot into his thigh. The sudden shock of pain forced Damis to drop his gun and fall to the ground with the woman on top of him. The woman cried out and wiggled free from his grasp before running off into the crowd. Jan kicked Damis's stolen blaster away. "Get up," she growled at him.

"You bitch!" he shouted as he struggled to his knees, "You shot me!"

"Be grateful I didn't kill you."

Damis was back on his feet and boring into her eyes when he said, "Wait until I tell your superiors that you ran off to find someone named Kyle."

"You think that'll save you from the death penalty?" Jan questioned and forced herself to laugh, "Let's go you Imperial bastard before I lose my patience and shoot you again."

She resumed her stance of pressing her gun to his back to prod him forward. All the while she knew she was falling over the edge and was about to land in a heap of trouble.

* * *

Jan secured the general in the hold, locking him up tight and making sure he couldn't move anywhere before settling into the cockpit and blasting off of Sermia. Out of the corner of her eye she watched as the planet faded into the distance, when she was finally within a safe range she set the hyper-speed and the stars became streaking white stripes as the _Crow_ raced back to Coruscant.

Only then did she run out of things to occupy her hands and mind, now the most recent failure settled back into her thoughts, and it wasn't just her failure to find Kyle this time.

_Stupid Jan, stupid!_ She shouted to herself in her thoughts, how could she just abandon a war criminal like that. It wasn't a rookie mistake, it was downright idiotic. With a groan of frustration she banged her head against the steering console a couple of times. The pain felt good for once, almost like a punishment for her misdeeds.

"Good one Jan, almost letting a mass murderer go free."

She turned to glare at the apparition of Kyle, "I'm not in the mood for a lecture right now, go haunt someone else."

"Sorry, but I'm only in _your_ mind," he reminded her, "I guess this means that you have no choice but to listen."

She sighed, "I know I was an idiot, but I honestly thought that guy was you."

"Do you really think that I would be hiding out for six months only to end that by strolling past you?" Kyle asked with a grin, "give me some credit Jan."

"So what you're saying is that the true moron here right now is me."

"You said it not me."

Jan glowered at him, "Do you have to be so smug?"

"Sure, it's nice to be right after all of those times you laid into me about something dumb I did."

"You mean like what happened on Minga?"

Now it was Kyle's turn to glare, "We swore never to mention that again."

Jan laughed; her first true laugh in the past six months. It surprised her, it had been so long since she'd actually felt free like that, she almost didn't know what to do. Kyle just smiled again, "That's a nice sound. I missed you laughing like that."

She nodded, "It's been a while…I thought I'd forgotten what it was like to smile." Jan shook her head, "I thought I'd never be like that until I found you."

"You don't need to find me, Jan, to be happy," Kyle explained looking into her eyes, "all you have to do is get on with your life and be grateful for the memories that we have together. Like what happened on Minga or that day after the Empire fell or any other memory that makes you smile. Just like you celebrate the life your parents led, celebrate my life…just stop dwelling on me and let me work through my problems alone."

In some ways he was right, Jan mourned her parents but she had never thrown her life away like this when they died. Instead she relived those moments that she was happiest with them and it helped her move on…but there was something else that had saved her through those dark days.

Kyle had been there to dry her tears and offer a warm embrace when she needed it, but here and now she had no one to turn to.

Jan shook her head, "No Kyle, I _have _to find you."

"Jan, listen to me," he said angrily, "if you keep this up you will continue to walk down a path of darkness. If you keep throwing yourself headlong into danger, you're going to get yourself into a situation you can't get out of. You fixed your mistake this time but maybe not next, maybe next time you won't be able to gather your wits. You could lose your job, your standings with your friends, even your life. Is that what you want?"

"I don't know!" she shouted at him, "I just want you back. I—I need you. I need you to laugh, need you to breath, I…I need you to live. Without you I'm no one, I'm nothing, just an empty shell where my heart used to be."

Jan looked down for a moment, and when she looked back up he was gone. She looked out across at the empty spot where Kyle had once stood, and a tear slid down her cheek. "You took more than just your problems with you Kyle, you took my heart and I need it back…I need you back."

* * *

House visits weren't protocol when you were a major leader of the New Republic, but Mon Mothma felt she didn't have a choice. Things with Jan were spiraling out of control and the young operative was refusing to listen to her. Maybe someone else could make her see reason, friends that had experience great loss like Jan.

Princess Leia Organa lived in the same apartment complex as Mon Mothma so the trip wasn't very far. When she pushed the button to signal her arrival she was greeted by the gold plated droid C-3PO. "Oh, Mon Mothma what a surprise to see you."

"I came unannounced," she told the droid, "I understand Luke Skywalker is visiting the princess, is he here?"

"Indeed, he is in the living area along with her highness and General Solo."

It was a bit of a surprise to Mon Mothma to learn that she would be seeing all three of the New Republic's greatest heroes at once, but it occurred to her that it was foolish to be shocked. Leia and Luke were siblings and the princess was in love with Han Solo as well as Luke being friends with him. Of course they would be together as much as they possibly could.

It was actually good fortune that she had found them all. They were all friends with Jan so they would all be concerned about her welfare.

"Please tell them that I am here and wish to speak with them," Mon Mothma instructed the droid.

"Right away, ma'am."

She watched as 3PO walked in a mechanical like strut towards the living area. Mon Mothma chose to walk inside the apartment and wait in the foyer for the droid's return. Leia came instead with a bright smile on her lovely face. "Mon Mothma, what a pleasant surprise."

"It's good to see you again, Leia," she greeted the princess and returned the smile.

"Do come and sit with us for a while," Leia said as she guided the Chief of State to her friends.

"I will sit, but I can't stay long I'm afraid."

Luke and Han both stood up when the two women entered the room. "Well this is a shock," the cavalier Corellian said when he saw Mon Mothma, "I didn't think I'd done anything wrong…lately."

She smiled back at the general. "It's good to see you too, General Solo."

"What brings you here, Mon Mothma?" Leia was the first to inquire as they all resumed their seats in the princess's comfortable apartment.

"I was hoping to speak with Luke, but I'm glad to have found you two as well."

Luke gazed back at her with a wondering look. "What's wrong?"

"It's about Jan," she said after a long sigh, "Have any of you seen her recently?"

"Two days ago," Han spoke up first, "She's in the hangar fixing up the _Crow_. She looks terrible."

"Really?" Leia asked with astonishment.

Han nodded to her. "She's thin and pale with dark circles under her eyes. I wonder if she's slept at all since Kyle left."

"Oh dear. I knew this was hard for her, but I didn't realize she was getting sick from it all," she replied with growing concern in her eyes.

"It's worse than that," Luke piped in, "it's like this search is driving her mad, she's getting reckless and desperate…it's more than just her physical health that I'm worried about."

Leia looked at her brother with wide eyed fear. "You don't think she'd hurt herself, do you?"

"No intentionally, but she's slipping more into this obsession and I'm afraid none of us will like what she will become if she can't be helped."

"I get that she's hurt that Kyle left, by why this mad search for him?" Han questioned, "We've all lost people we love, but this doesn't seem normal."

"I agree," Mon Mothma said, it may have been the first time she actually concurred with Han Solo, "There's something else there. I think she feels guilty."

"Guilty? Why do you think that?" Leia brought the question they all wanted answered.

"I'm not sure why she feels that way, but I can see if in her eyes. For some reason she feels responsible for Kyle's disappearance."

"You're right," Luke spoke up, "She does feel guilty though why, only she can tell. We really shouldn't be surprised, Jan and Kyle always felt responsible for each other. Whenever something happened to one of them they always shouldered the blame on themselves, it didn't matter what circumstances had occurred it was always _their_ fault, not the other's. It doesn't matter what happened, no matter what Jan was going to blame herself."

Mon Mothma nodded, "You're right. It was never Jan Ors _or_ Kyle Katarn; it was always Jan _and_ Kyle. They were more than just partners, they were like one entity. One can't exist without the other."

She let out another long sigh. "Wherever he is, Kyle is suffering just as much as Jan. The only difference is she is trying to find him while he is trying to stay away from her."

Han nodded, "They're like two opposing speeders playing chicken, barreling down at each other. Either one will give up…or the explosion will be real messy."

"We should talk to her," Leia stated.

"We can try," Luke agreed, "But I don't think it will do much good. Jan is as stubborn as they come, she's not going to give up until she finds him or…"

"Or she dies," Mon Mothma finished for him, already fearing the words she had just spoken.

* * *

In the depths of space where not even the bravest of souls would dare to venture, a Star Destroyer, salvaged from the ruins of the Empire, floated in peace. It was aptly named the _Imperial Legacy_ because the man who owned it was still harboring the spirit of the defeated government.

Castin Mohc used to be a commander in the Empire before its defeat by the Rebel Alliance. He was a forgotten survivor, deemed too worthless to even note as a potential enemy. But that was to his advantage. Ever since the Emperor's downfall, he had been marshalling his power in secret, preparing for the day when he would strike.

But his patience was running thin, especially now that he was partnered with someone he was afraid to trust yet also terrified not to. His father, General Rom Mohc, had always been wary of the Sith but had chose to work with them. He was now following in his footsteps but he didn't enjoy it one bit.

"How much longer will I have to wait before I can avenge my father?" Castin demanded to the Dark Jedi.

Ganis Teerak refused to be rankled by the pathetic human's show of impatience. He had found Castin months ago and had helped him groom together a small army with the inheritance he had been given after Rom Mohc's death.

"You will wait as long as it is necessary," he replied.

"Don't you seek what I seek?" Castin inquired, "Don't you seek revenge for Jerec's murder? Katarn killed my father and your master, he deserves to die!"

"Indeed, but now is not the time. Katarn has disappeared. Until he resurfaces we will spend our time focusing on more important things."

"What can be more important than justice?"

Ganis laughed at the human's words. "You don't seek justice, you want revenge. Well revenge brings you a degree of satisfaction but it won't bring you power. The ultimate revenge will not be killing Katarn, but destroying what he fought for."

"I want satisfaction now," Castin replied through gritted teeth, "We may not know where Katarn is, but I can easily find his partner."

"Why seek her out?" Ganis questioned, "Jan Ors didn't kill your father or my master."

"She was beside Katarn every step of the way. She is just as guilty as he is."

The headstrong son of General Mohc was starting to grate Ganis's nerves. He was too anxious, too reckless. He knew nothing about revenge except that he wanted it. Well now was not the time to allow him to indulge in his petty desires.

"You will leave Jan Ors alone," Ganis demanded in a voice that was calm, yet as hard as stone, "We cannot reveal ourselves too soon."

"I'm tired of hiding! I want action now!"

Irritated beyond control, Ganis reached out his hand and struck him with a current of Force energy that crackled like lightening. Castin was thrown backwards and let out a shrill scream. The Sith only tortured him for a moment, just long enough to make him learn a very hard lesson.

"Return to your quarters and practice being patient," Ganis instructed the still whimpering Imperial, "Your father's killer will meet his fate, but not until we are ready to strike back at the New Republic and take back the galaxy."

Castin was shaking when he climbed to his feet. His clothes were smoking from the heat but his skin wasn't singed. "I—I understand."

"Good, now get out of my sight."

Mohc's now humbled son limped out of the room as fast as he could, leaving Jerec's secret apprentice alone. Ganis's master had kept him hidden from everyone; even his fellow apprentices had no knowledge of his existence.

He had a power greater than any had ever seen, a gift rarely seen among the Sith. But Katarn carried a secret with him that the Jedi didn't even know he had. That secret would be Ganis's way of bringing the Republic to its knees and the key to restoring the Empire back into its former glory

* * *

A/N: So the bad guys have been revealed but is Jan actually going to see the danger looming ahead? Will Mon Mothma and the rest of the gang actually get through to her? Is she ever gong to find her runaway Jedi? Maybe, maybe not you'll just have to wait and see. Reviews ALWAYS inspire us to work harder so what are you waiting for? Push that button at the bottom and tell us what you think.


	4. Chapter 3: Chasing a Dream

Disclaimer: If we owned Star Wars we wouldn't be in college, we'd be in Tahiti. So nope, none of this belongs to us.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Back again and in record time too. We just can't put this one down which is new for as Lord Of Anonymous would testify for. This chapter will reveal more about why Jan is so determined to find Kyle as well as how much trouble her obsession will bring her. Only two more chapters left in Part 1, and I have a feeling Part 2 will follow it very soon.

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Wowza we can't seem to let this story go! I can't believe we have only 2 more chapters left, don't feel bad though this is called Part 1 for a reason, Part 2 is going to be longer I have a feeling but you'll just have to wait and see what happens.

**Lord Of Anonymous:** So great to have a second reviewer! Jedi Outcast was the first Jan and Kyle game we ever saw so you're right on board with us. Jedi Acadamy counts and doesn't count. It has Kyle, but no Jan. (pouts) Anyways, your KOTOR fic sounds great. Who knows, maybe you'll inspire us like shanesnest to dust off our old KOTOR fics and look into them again.

* * *

Chapter 3: Chasing a Dream

"Are you sure this is the best way?" Han Solo questioned his companions as they made their way to the hangar bay, "I don't know if you know this, but Jan has a pretty good right hook. She broke a guy's jaw for trying to feel her up once."

Leia raised one of her delicate brows and narrowed her brown eyes. "Was the guy you?"

"Yeah, she wishes," he said with a snort. It took a moment for him to realize what he had just said in front of the woman he loved, "Or not."

"I think you and I might have to have a talk later."

Han snaked and arm around Leia's shoulders. "Sweetheart, there's only one woman I have eyes for now." He brushed her lips with his thumb before whispering really low, "And that's you."

Just as they were leaning to the kiss, someone cleared their throat. "If you two would rather find some alone time, then I can talk to Jan alone," Luke suggested in a tone that said he didn't really need to see Han and his twin sister show their affection in public.

"We're done," Leia assured Luke with a smile, "So what's our plan of action?"

Han clapped his hands together. "I've got it; I'll distract her by asking about recipes while you two seal the exits. Then we can toss a blanket over her head and drag her to a rehab center on Wilto."

"She's not on drugs, Han," Leia said with a roll of her eyes at his sarcasm.

"Well it certainly feels like and intervention," he mumbled to himself.

"We'll just talk to her," Luke said, "Maybe she'll open up and tell us the issues behind all of this."

"I hope you have a wacky Jedi power that can do that because that girl is welded shut," Han stated the cold truth. He wasn't trying to stop him, just bring out a fact. It was okay to try, but all they would achieve was more disappointment.

Jan was in the hangar bay working on the propulsion lines for the _Moldy Crow_. The three of them were struck with how pale she was now. Nearly seven months had passed since Kyle had left her and she was getting worse by the week it seemed. Mon Mothma had been right: Jan simply couldn't exist with half of her being gone.

Leia reached down and grasped Han's hand tightly within her own. She remembered when she had lost him to Jabba the Hutt after he was frozen in carbonite by Darth Vader. She had been torn up inside just like Jan, the only difference was that she knew where Han was. Jan was still looking for the man she loved.

"Hey Ors," Han was the first one to talk.

Jan looked up from her work and tried to smile but she only managed to curve her lips a little. "Hey Solo." Then she noticed he was standing beside Luke and Leia, a sight that made her frown a little, "Your highness and Luke, what are you two doing here?"

"We came to talk to you, Jan," Leia told her with a soft voice.

Jan let out a frustrated sigh and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling. "I should have known. Look Mon Mothma already chewed me out about what happened on Sermia."

"We didn't come here to talk to you about Sermia, we came to talk to you about your search for Kyle," Luke replied.

"If you don't have any information for me then I don't want to hear it."

"We're worried about you," Leia said.

"I've heard that a hundred times already."

"Then maybe you should take it to heart," Han suggested in a tough voice. She had his sympathy but he wasn't going to show it.

Jan flashed him her famous scowl and went back to work on the propulsion lines. "Jan, don't shut us out," the princess begged, "We just want to understand why you feel this way."

"That's easy, Kyle's gone," she replied.

Luke shook his head at her. "This goes deeper than that. You feel responsible for his disappearance."

"I—I don't know what you're talking about," Jan lied very badly.

"Wow, you suck at lying," Han called her out on it with a cavalier grin.

"Zip it, Solo."

"Come on, Ors," the Corellian prodded, "Spill all of your dark and twisty stuff. It'll make you feel better."

"Jan, we think you should stop your search," Luke stated in a rational voice, "It's making you sick."

"I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Kyle wouldn't want to kill yourself looking for him."

Jan looked back up at him with eyes that looked half dead. It hurt them all to see her so miserable…so lost. She needed help but she was too stubborn to let anyone inside. "I didn't ask for any lectures so why don't all of you just leave me alone."

Jan dropped her tools and stalked off towards her beloved ship. Leia stepped forward in a motion to chase after her, but Luke held her back. "It's no use, Leia. She'll only talk when she's ready."

* * *

Anger was boiling in Jan's blood when she walked on board the _Moldy Crow_. At the same time exhaustion was feeding off of her strength. She was tired of lectures and being told to give up. She was tired of being lonely.

She sat down in a chair in front of the table in the galley. She had sat there months ago when things had changed in her life.

Forever.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_Jan was sitting down in the chair because she was afraid that if she stood up she would collapse. She felt like she had been punched in the stomach, the same feeling she got when she had learned that Alderaan had been destroyed and her entire family was dead._

_Kyle was leaning against the wall in front of her, waiting for her to speak. "So you're saying that you're a…Jedi?" she asked. It was too incredible to compute._

_He nodded back at her. "That's what this guy said in my dream. I wasn't entirely sure until I found the message from my father saying he left me this." He stared down at the lightsaber in his hands, the weapon of a Jedi._

_Kyle, a Jedi. It was too hard to imagine yet at the same time made perfect sense. His incredible skill at getting out of the worse trouble, it couldn't have just come from blind luck. There had always been something different about him. He was too special. Was this the Force? That strange source of power that Luke Skywalker could harness to do incredible good, Kyle could wield that as well._

_"Jan, this doesn't change anything," Kyle said._

_"How can you say that?" she chastised his poor choice of words, "This changes everything. You're…you're…a Jedi."_

_"I'm still the same man."_

_"Are you, Kyle?" she questioned. Jan bit her lip just hard enough to feel the pain but not hard enough to draw blood. "You're going to have to be trained and study whatever the Force is. You don't think that's going to change you?"_

_"I don't know what's going to happen," he admitted. His confession did nothing to ease her fears._

_Jan shook her head and stood up from her chair. "Look, Kyle, I came with you because I thought this was just some mission to recover something that belonged to your father. I did not sign up to deal with Sith or Jedi or the Force. I've already seen enough of all of that."_

_Her plan was to lock herself up in the cockpit, but Kyle grabbed her arm and forced her to turn around. "Do you want out?"_

_The desperate look in his eyes made Jan instantly feel guilty. Kyle was her friend, not just her partner. He hadn't needed to ask her to come with him before. He had needed her help and that was all it took for her to jump on board. Were things really so different now? Maybe._

_"I—I don't know," she confessed after looking away from his eyes._

_Kyle wouldn't allow that. He hooked her chin with his finger and thumb to force her to look back up at him. "I'm just as freaked out about this as you. I don't know anything about what I'm diving into and I need you now more than ever." He let go of her chin and cupped her cheek with his hand. "Please don't leave me, Jan."_

_She was scared. Kyle as a Jedi meant her entire world was changing. They were wading into dangerous waters that may deepen unexpectedly, leaving them to flounder their own way to the surface or drown in their dark depths. Jedi ghosts were something she could never understand but now Kyle would have to. What if her ultimate fear came true?_

_"Jan?" Kyle said her name again, "What are you going to do?"_

_She pulled away from him and walked back towards the cockpit. "I'm going to set a course for Yavin IV."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because if we're going to find this Valley of the Jedi, you're going to have to learn how to use that thing," Jan said and nodded towards the lightsaber in his hands._

_Kyle didn't fail to notice the mention of 'we'. He gave her a grateful smile and picked up her hand to intertwine their fingers. "Thank you."_

_Jan let go of his hand and took another step away from him. "We'd better get started," she said before leaving him to dwell on this alone._

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Jan stared down at the picture of Kyle she had pulled out of her vest. She had done what'd he'd asked and helped him in his quest. She had watched him train to be a Jedi with Luke. She had given him her aid…but not her support. He wasn't blind. He had to have seen how upset she was with the whole thing.

Why couldn't she have accepted what he had no choice in being? If she had, he would be here, she was sure of it. She didn't know all of the reasons for why he left but one of them had to be her inability to understand what he had to do. A Jedi's destiny was greater than a mere human like hers. If she had supported his newfound gifts he wouldn't have left her.

"I'm sorry, Kyle," she whispered to his picture, a memory of happier time. "Please come home so I can tell you that. I'll do whatever you want. I'll be whatever you need me to be if you'll just come back."

Jan closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair. Talking to a picture wasn't going to bring her friend home. Only she could do that.

If only everyone else could see that.

* * *

Once she was certain that Han, Leia and Luke had left before she walked out of the _Moldy Crow_. Everything around her felt so cold. She walked around like a ghost, haunting the place where she had died. Kyle had left her here without a heart to live on. It wasn't hard to imagine that she was some lost spirit.

People smiled at her as she walked by but all of her energy felt drained. She was aching in every limb, every muscle. It hurt to smile any more. It was beginning to hurt just to breathe. Sometimes she wondered if maybe her friends were right, she should just stop and let Kyle go. He had obviously decided that he could live without her. She should figure out a way to do the same.

_I need to stop_, she decided then and there, _Kyle is gone. I need to take care of myself_.

When she got into her apartment she realized how hungry she was. Had she eaten at all today? It was getting close to sundown, how could she be so thoughtless as to her own needs? She walked over to the hydro-cooler and saw that it was completely empty. Jan found the strength for a small smile and shook her head. What a shock. Guess take out was on the menu for today.

She walked over to the holographic transmitter and saw that the machine was blinking to tell her she had a message. She pushed the button and the holographic image of a strange woman appeared.

"Miss Ors, I am a resident of Tipaka and I may have some information about a Jedi. My son was playing in the streets two days ago and ran into a man who had just arrived in town. He swears he saw a lightsaber attached to his belt. From what I can tell, the Jedi is living in some old ruins on the southern side of our town Clorin. I hope this will be of help to you."

The image blinked away and with it Jan's vows to abandon her search. Another lead on a Jedi! This time on remote world, the perfect hiding spot for a man who wanted to disappear. It definitely sounded like Kyle!

Joy was flooding Jan with new strength as she went through her contact logs to send a message to Mon Mothma. She stopped with her finger over the transmitter button. Mon Mothma had given up on Kyle completely. She wouldn't want her to chase down this lead. In fact, she would force her to stay.

It was dangerous to leave without anyone knowing where she was off to but Jan didn't care. Kyle was out there waiting for her and no one was going to stop her.

She grabbed the bag she had learned to always keep ready and took off in a run back towards the hangar. The _Crow's_ propulsion cables had been put back in place by Uly and she was fueled up to leave. Jan climbed inside and immediately started the engines. Her course was set for Tipaka and nothing was going to get in her way.

* * *

Tipaka reminded Jan of Alderaan in some ways, it was smaller with a much denser population but like Alderaan it had a mild climate that was perfect for agriculture. It was beautiful but since it was so far away from the Galactic Core it was pretty remote, it had only one major city and other than that just some small towns.

The place Jan was looking for was located near Clorin so she set the Crow down in a grassy area outside of town. Like the woman had said the ruins were located south of Clorin according to the archives so Jan unloaded the swoop bike and raced towards the old ruins her heart becoming more and more certain that her goal would be fulfilled with each passing mile.

Whatever had once been on Tipaka had been abandoned long ago, now only beautiful mosaic columns and carved archways remained of the structure. Some eroded pieces of stone looked like they had once been statues but now only vague features remained, Jan could only tell that they once looked human but who they were supposed to represent remained a mystery.

The place looked desolate, there wasn't a roof or a campsite that hinted at anyone staying within these ruins but Jan knew that in places like these that often times more was hidden beneath the surface.

She climbed off of her swoop-bike and activated its invisible cloak. She pulled out her torch but it was still light enough to see without it. The ruins were crumbling so she would have to be careful in case they weren't stable, but so far they appeared to be. There was a symbol in the middle of the flat, stone floor that caught her attention.

Her brief time in the company of both the Sith and the Jedi had only given her a fraction of their knowledge. But she was confident to bet that the symbol was of the Jedi Order, perhaps from thousands of years ago. Perhaps Kyle had come here to learn more about the Jedi.

The center of the symbol seemed a little odd to her. It was raised up, unlike the rest of the engraving. Jan frowned and put her palm on its face. She pushed it down and the symbol began to open up, giving her only a moment's time to get out of the way before she fell through.

Jan shined her torch into the depths of the hole. There appeared to be steps that led the someplace very dark and probably spooky. _Okay Kyle, if you are down there, you and I are going to have a serious talk about your living arrangements._

She proceeded down the old stone steps, the darkness pressed around her, she didn't know how long she walked down the stairs but eventually she found a landing that led to a long hallway also made from stones. The hallway was lit with torches and Jan smiled, someone was down here, someone who didn't want to be found.

Still she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, her fingers twitched over the holster of her gun. _Get a grip Jan_, she told herself, _it's only Kyle, he won't hurt you._ But her instincts gave in and she drew out her weapon, it didn't help shake the feeling that danger was near but it did give her some measure of comfort.

The hallway continued but the silence was deafening, Jan could hear her pulse beating in her ears and her own ragged breaths. She shouldn't be so nervous, it was Kyle, it had to be Kyle, she had nothing to fear.

The sound of shuffling broke the silence; it came from a room attached to the hallway Jan was walking down. She tightened her grip on her weapon instinctively and took a deep breath before whipping into the room.

Immediately her heart sank, it wasn't Kyle.

The man standing before her had black hair and midnight blue eyes that were currently glaring daggers at her. His face was set in a permanent scowl but his body was hidden by a long black cloak. Jan's pulse raced, her bad feeling was getting worse.

"Who are you?" He asked accusingly.

"Nobody important," she replied casually, "I was checking out the ruins…I didn't know anybody would be here."

The man sneered, "You're lying…you were looking for me weren't you?"

She shook her head, "No, I don't know who you are or why you are here and I really don't care. I just…"

Suddenly the man reached for his belt and pulled out a lightsaber, in a second the red blade appeared casting long dark shadows across the room

_Oh no not good!_ Jan thought realizing the danger, she was in the presence of a Sith!

And then Kyle appeared behind the dark Jedi, not the man she was looking for but the companion her mind conjured up to torment her. But he wasn't smiling over one of her stupid mistakes; right now his face was grave and serious. "Keep him talking," he told her quickly, "you don't want to fight him, you can't win."

"So," she began trying to make her voice sound brave and not like a frightened girl, "what is a dark Jedi doing hiding underground, afraid to come out in the sunlight?"

The Sith glowered at her, "I'm waiting for my new master."

"Because your old one was killed when we kicked the Empire's ass," Jan finished sounding a little proud of herself.

"So you do work for the rebels…"

"It's the Republic now."

He shrugged, "It doesn't matter, it will fall just like the last Republic did, and my people will rise again to conquer this galaxy, it's inevitable."

The Sith took a step forward and Kyle grew more urgent, "Tell him who you are, make him think you are more important alive than dead."

"Look you don't know who I am," Jan began obeying Kyle's advice.

"It doesn't matter…soon you'll be dead."

"You don't want to do that," she countered, "I'm Jan Ors. You may have heard me, I did some damage during the Dark Trooper Project and I'm pretty tight with the Chief of State, you kill me and there won't be a safe rock for you to hide under."

He paused for a moment, sizing her up under squinted eyes and then he grinned, "I'll take my chances."

"And now you have to run," Kyle told her, "Go!"

Jan didn't hesitated, she fired a couple of shots with her blaster that the Sith easily blocked and she tore down the hallway. The Sith wasn't far behind her and he was a lot more confident than she was.

Loose stones, big ones, began to fly through the air towards her. Jan tried to dodge as many as she could but one of the larger ones hit her square on the chest. She was knocked to the ground gasping for breath, her blaster falling a few feet in front of her. She tried to scramble to her feet but an unseen force seemed to wrap itself around her and began to pull her down the hallway.

Jan reached for her blaster but the entity only pulled harder, now she was being dragged back to the Sith on her stomach, her hands grasping at the floor to try and slow him down but her strength was feeble against the power of the Force.

"You can't win," he told her with a low laugh, "I'll destroy you, just like your Republic will fall."

She tried to come up with some sarcastic retort but her breath caught in her throat at the look of that red blade. To her it symbolized more than just the power this man could wield; it now symbolized her own death.

She was going to die, just like her friends warned her.

Jan wanted to close her eyes but she could no longer control her body, instead all she could do was watch the red blade and the Sith's mocking glare.

But then his glare turned into surprise and he pulled away from her, ducking as a green lightsaber spun through the air and over where his head had once been.

The saber spun back and Jan was able to look over to see the owner of the saber and her rescuer.

Luke.

He easily caught his saber and charged at the Sith, Jan rolled out of the way and let the Jedi Master take down her would be killer.

The two sabers clashed with a crackle of energy, the Sith glared at Luke with unbridled hatred, "I will destroy you."

"We'll see about that," Luke replied calmly and pushed back, separating the two blades and allowing for the fight to begin. The Sith scowled at Luke, sending stones flying towards the Jedi but Luke easily deflecting them with his saber. Luke replied by sending the Sith flying across the room with the Force.

The man climbed to his feet and with a shout of rage he charged at Luke, his saber poised for battle. Luke was waiting for him and easily blocked his attack, the Sith feigned right but Luke countered that too.

"You can't win," Luke told him, "the dark side isn't stronger."

"I'll kill you!" he replied throwing himself into the fight. Jan was terrified to see that with his anger fueling him, the Sith's blows seemed to be much stronger than Luke's. But Luke didn't look afraid. He kept his parries even though he was grunting with effort.

Then the Sith did something completely unexpected. He twisted his hand, sending a whirlwind of air around Luke who was lifted off of his feet. Jan wasn't adept to the Force, but it looked like her friend was in serious trouble.

She found a pretty heavy rock and heaved it at the Sith. It struck him in the shoulder, not her intention but it did make turn to look at her with death in his eyes. He forgot about Luke and instead waved his hand to lift Jan off of her feet with the Force. Invisible fingers were squeezing at her throat, cutting off much needed air.

"If death is your wish, human, I will be happy to grant it." The grip tightened and the world was starting to get fuzzy when Jan suddenly found herself back on the ground. Coughing and gasping, she looked and saw that Luke had stuck his green saber through the Sith's back and it poked out of his gut.

The Sith let out a guttural moan and then Luke retraced his lightsaber. He fell to the ground in a heap of black robes. Luke deactivated his saber and walked over to his friend, he grabbed Jan's arm and pulled her to her feet. "Are you alright?"

She nodded still gasping, grateful that she could breathe again. Luke's grip on her arm tightened and she realized that the Jedi Master in front of her was definitely not happy. "What are you doing here?!"

"I heard…that a Jedi…was here," Jan rasped out, her voice hoarse from the iron grip the Sith had given her.

"Let me guess, someone in town saw a lightsaber and you jumped at the idea," Luke shook his head, "I told you that isn't enough to go on, people forget that Sith have saber's too."

"I'll remember that," she replied.

"This was stupid Jan," he continued, "If I hadn't heard about Sith activity in the area you would be dead right now, you don't have the power to combat a Sith."

"Thanks for reminding me of my mere human status," Jan glared, "I think I'll be going now."

But Luke kept his grip on her arm, "No Jan, I'm not letting you get away from this one. We need to talk before you get yourself in even more trouble."

_Is that even possible?_ Jan wondered to herself as the angry Jedi led her out of the ruins. All she knew was that she was in for one hell of a lecture from Luke.

This wasn't going to be fun.

* * *

Luke hijacked the _Moldy Crow_, leaving R2-D2 to pilot his X-Wing alone. Jan tried to fight back, but the Jedi Bastard managed to keep her in some sort of Force stasis until they were already away. After he let her go, he made sure she couldn't get into the cockpit to change their destination.

Jan soon learned where they were going when she looked out the window and saw the gas giant and the moon that circled it. "You're taking me to Yavin IV?"

"I don't want Mon Mothma to call you in for another tongue lashing before I've had a chance to talk with you," Luke explained.

"You told her?!" she shouted at him, "What are you, some little brother who goes crying to mommy when the big sister misbehaves?"

"No Jan, I'm your friend and so is she. Mon Mothma was worried sick when you ran off without a word. She has every right to be angry with you."

Jan knew he was right but her usual stubbornness took over. She crossed her arms over her chest and just glared back at him. Luke gave her a curt nod. "Fine. We'll continue this discussion after we've landed."

"Don't count on it," she grumbled back at him but he didn't reply. Luke returned to the cockpit and landed the _Crow_ into one of the few docking bays that were fully constructed. He returned to find Jan still infuriated at him for kidnapping her.

"Are you coming?" he asked her.

Jan let out a sigh and stood up from her chair. "Fine, let's get this over with."

Luke took the lead in leaving the ship and guiding her through the temple. Jan considered making a run for it, but considering this guy was the son of Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, she decided that she'd better not push it.

When Luke opened two big doors, the room inside made Jan frown. It was a large room filled with various stages. There was an area that was cut into different levels, most of them impossible for a normal man to leap onto. There was a set of black weights of various sizes that were set up in a row. A platform had been built a good distance across. It was empty now, still waiting for the weights to be moved so they rested on its surface. The little sphere shaped droids called Seekers were deactivated and resting neatly on a shelf.

It was the training room; the same place Kyle had harnessd his connection to the Force. He had leapt up to the highest platform that was too high for Jan to even climb up to. He had grasped the weights with just a wave of his hand and brought them to the other side of the room. He had learned to deflect the Seeker's little red bolts with his lightsaber. None of this had been easy for him. Every groan of effort, every gasp of pain had shot through Jan's heart.

"Why did you bring me here?" she said in a whisper as the memories flooded her.

"I had a hunch that being here would make you a little more willing to talk about everything that is bothering you."

"Well your hunch is way off the charts because I'm not going to say a damn thing!" she growled at him.

She tried to leave but Luke stepped in front of her. "That's not going to happen this time, Jan. I understand that you are in a lot of pain, but I can't understand why you are so driven to find someone who doesn't want to be found."

"He's my friend!"

"He's mine too," Luke stated in an even voice, "but I understand that he has to fight his own demons. Kyle will come back when he is ready."

He looked hard at Jan, like he was trying to read her mind but she knew he didn't have that power. At least she hoped not. "Something else is driving you to act like this and don't tell me its concern over your friend."

Jan's anger seemed to lose all of the gravity she could give it and floated out of her mind. She was weary again. The burden on her shoulders was gaining more weight and she was about to be crushed by it. Would telling Luke release it or make things worse?

"Jan, please tell me," Luke urged. She could hear his concern but also his fear. Was she so crazy now that her friends feared her safety? Did they fear that the greatest danger she was facing was herself?

It was time to tell all.

Jan walked over to a stone pillar and leaned against it for support. "I—I had a dream," she told him, "The night before Kyle left I dreamed that he came to my room and he…" She chocked on the sweet memory that was making tears threaten to fall. "He said that he loved me, and then he kissed me."

She looked back up at Luke with her blue eyes shimmering with excess moisture. "It felt so real and I was going to talk to him about it but he—he was gone."

Luke appeared to be astonished by her words. "This entire time you've been chasing a dream?"

"I thought that it might be telling me something. You and Kyle both have had weird dreams that turn out to be some kind of warning or insight." She stopped to blink out a tear. "I was wondering if maybe it was telling me that Kyle loved me…just like I love him."

Luke nodded at her, understanding, but the look in his eyes told her the hard truth before he said it out loud. "Jan, it was just a dream."

She blinked out another tear. "I know that," she whispered, "but it was a lovely dream."

Jan pushed away from the pillar to gaze around the training room again. She had watched Kyle work at being a Jedi but not with the pride a friend should feel. He had seen how it hurt her to look at him becoming something so great that she couldn't be his equal anymore. "How could I have been so cruel?" she whispered to herself, forgetting completely that a Jedi was standing behind her.

"What do you mean, Jan?"

Another tear fell from her eye and rolled down her cheek. "Kyle…I hurt him, I know I did."

"What are you talking about?" Luke prodded gently.

"When I found out he was a Jedi, it freaked me out," she confessed, "I—I didn't know how to react. Kyle had always been different, always been special but now he was…incredible. But I was ordinary."

"Jan, you are hardly ordinary," her friend said with a grin, hoping to make her smile. It didn't work.

"But I am. Compared to you and Kyle, I'm nothing. I can't toss people across a room with just waving my hand and I can't freeze people to the floor like you did to me a little while ago."

"The Force doesn't make anyone special," Luke said, "It just gives some of us gifts and with them comes a great deal of responsibility."

"And a new life."

Luke frowned at her. "A new life?"

Jan bit her lip to try and keep from shedding more tears but failed. "I read the old Jedi code while Kyle was training here. "There is no emotion, there is peace/There is no ignorance, there is knowledge/There is no passion, there is serenity/There is no chaos, there is harmony/There is no death, there is the Force."

"What about the code?"

"There is no emotion, no passion," she repeated, "and no attachments. I was afraid that Kyle…that Kyle wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore."

Now Luke looked completely surprised. "Jan, that's the craziest thing I've ever heard."

"Don't tell me it isn't possible," she said, "Being a Jedi means being different from me. More than anything I didn't want Kyle to abandon me for some invisible source of power."

Tears fell again and Jan choked back a sob. "And he did."

Luke walked over to her and placed both hands on her shoulders. "You meant more to Kyle than anything else in this galaxy. He didn't leave you because of the Force or because you couldn't understand his connection to it."

Jan shook her head at him. "I don't think I can believe that."

"Jan, you have to listen to me. This isn't your fault."

"Yes it is," she cried out, "And I have to fix it." With her cheeks still wet, Jan pushed Luke aside and stormed towards the door.

"Jan wait, let's keep talking about this."

"No more talking, Luke. I have to find Kyle." She turned back around to meet her friend's eyes. "Even if it takes my entire life, I _will_ find him."

The worst part for Luke was that he believed her.

* * *

Mon Mothma drummed her fingers on her desk while she swam in a sea of fearful thoughts. An hour ago Jan had been in her office and she had chastised her for being so careless. Luke had told her about the Sith she had run into and how she was inches away from death before he arrived to save her.

"This obsession is killing you!" she had shouted at her, "Can't you see that?!"

Jan had sat in the chair, barely saying two words. She didn't argue or try to defend herself. Instead she looked incredibly depressed, like all of her emotions had been drained away except for the sadness filling her broken heart. Mon Mothma wasn't sure if Luke's talk with her had done her good or made things worse.

It didn't matter. All she could do was try to keep Jan moving, but it was obvious that someone had to look out for her wellbeing.

"Mon Mothma?" her secretary buzzed in, "Agent Matic has arrived."

"Send him in."

Agent Matic was an enormous man with beefy muscles that suggested he could do a lot of damage in a fight. His black hair hung in thick ringlets to his shoulders. A scraggly beard covered half of his face. It concealed part of a horrible scar that sliced down from his left temple to the right side of his chin. His nose had a bad crook in it from meeting the force of someone's fist. His appearance screamed 'danger!' but Mon Mothma knew him to be a very kind and loyal friend.

"Good evenin' ma'am," he greeted her with a little a salute.

Mon Mothma flashed him a welcoming smile. "Good evening, Angel." It was an odd nickname for a man who hardly looked like an Angel, but it was what he preferred to be called so she did as he wanted.

"Do have a seat," she urged him.

Once he was comfortable he asked, "I'd kinda like to know why you brought me here."

"I knew you would." Mon Mothma stood up from her chair and started to pace on the other side of the room. "Do you know about my operatives Kyle Katarn and Jan Ors?"

"Hell, everyone knows about them. I heard Katarn skipped out of town a couple of months back. Did you want me to find him or somethin'?"

Mon Mothma shook her head. "Kyle left for reasons unknown, but I'm sure they were good ones. I'm leaving it up to him for when he wants to return. Its Jan that I'm worried about."

"What's wrong with her?"

Mon Mothma looked out at the Coruscant skyline and let out a long sigh. "Jan has taken Kyle's departure very hard. She's become wild with this obsession in finding him. Yesterday, she left on a lead without telling me and nearly got herself killed by a Sith."

Angel let out a long whistle. "I hate tangelin' with those fellas."

"Yes, well I'm afraid that if I continue to let her search for Kyle she'll get herself seriously hurt," she hesitated before saying, "or killed."

"What'd you expect me to do about it?"

Mon Mothma returned to her seat and handed Angel a data-pad. "I'm sending Jan on a mission, a simple supply run for the Galisha colony. I want you to assist her."

"You mean watch her to make sure she don't put the knife to her wrists."

She gave him a slight nod. "I want you to keep her safe."

Angel took the data-pad and stood up from his chair. "I'll do my best, ma'am, but I know what it's like to lose someone you care more about that anythin' you ever have before. It ain't goin' to be easy tying her down."

"I don't expect it to be, but I know you have the best chance of anyone."

Angel gave her a smile that was surprisingly nice on such a homely face. "Thank you for that vote of confidence, ma'am."

Mon Mothma returned the smile. "Jan plans on leaving in four hours."

"I'll be there."

"Thank you, Angel," she said with the deepest of gratitude.

"Ain't no need to thank me," he replied, "I'm just looking out for a fella rebel like me."

* * *

Jan was under the belly of the _Moldy Crow_ re-welding a patch of her hull. She would be leaving for Unia to pick up supplies for the Galisha colony soon and she wanted the _Crow_ to be in perfect condition.

Normally she would be bothered by the fact that she had been sent on a Blue Milk Run, but she didn't seem to care for much anymore. Her conversation with Luke had left her feeling empty. The last bit of her heart had left her somewhere along the way and now she was only living on her fading hope.

"Jan Ors?" someone with a very deep voice called out to her.

"Be there in a sec," she replied. She finished welding in the last bit and then crawled back out into the open hanger. Jan took of her face shield because she had to be seeing things.

The man who was standing there was nearly two heads taller than her and as big as a Rancor. "Who are you?" she asked, slightly stunned

"Agent Matic," he replied.

"Are you half Wookie?"

Matic let out a laugh that came from the bit of his belly. "If I had a credit for every time someone said that I'd be a mighty wealthy man."

"Sorry," Jan apologized, "I'm not much for manners these days. I suppose you're the babysitter Mon Mothma assigned for me."

"I s'pose you can call me that, but I prefer guardian myself," he gave her a big smile, "sounds more manly."

"Whatever," she murmured, "Do you have a first name I can call you?"

"Talfryn."

Jan turned back to look at him with one brow raised. "Talfryn? What does that mean?"

"Bush monkey."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep," he said with a nod, "My momma had a thing for forest critters." He gave her another smile. "You can call me Angel."

"Angel?" she asked with more surprise.

"It's a long story, one I'd be more than happy to tell you once we're underway."

"Alright then, I suppose it is time to leave," Jan said.

She led the way onboard the _Moldy Crow_ and showed him where he could drop off his stuff. Jan offered him a tour but Angel declined by saying he'd figure everything out on his own. They had just blasted out of Coruscant when he joined her in the cockpit. "You ain't much for small talk, are you?" he said.

"If you want conversation, why don't you tell me about your nickname?"

"Alrighty then," he agreed, "I got it from someone I worked with. She didn't like my name anymore than I did and my nickname at the time was Talfie."

Jan grimaced. "Wow, I'm truly sorry."

"S'okay, anyways, she decided to be ironic and call me Angel. I didn't like her much at the time and I thought Dayna was poking fun at me." A tender look appeared on Angel's face. "I didn't realize she called me Angel 'cause she really thought of me as one."

"It sounds like you might have loved her," Jan said.

"Ain't no might in it, I did love her."

"I have a feeling that she isn't around anymore."

Angel gave her a sad shake of his head. "She died nearly twenty-five years ago. I'd told her I loved her and she didn't know what to do. Dayna left on assignment the next day, I thought I'd never see her again. She called me up about a month later and told me she loved me too."

A cold feeling was touching Jan's heart. "What happened to her?"

Angel's deep brown eyes looked very grim when he replied, "Order sixty-six."

The news shocked so much that she gasped. "She was a Jedi?" Angel nodded back at her. "That's—that's horrible," she said, "You must have really hated the Empire."

"I surely did, but that's all behind me now."

"Behind you?"

"Yep," he said, "Palpatine's worm food. I ain't got no reason to hate anymore."

"Don't you miss her?" she asked in a voice just above a whisper.

"Every second, but I know she wouldn't want me to kill myself with grief. So I stay alive, for her."

Jan pursed her lips and looked down at the blinking lights on the controls. She looked back at him with new knowledge shining in her eyes. "Mon Mothma assigned you because of your history, didn't she?"

"I reckon she did."

"No offense, Angel, but our situations are very different. Your Jedi died years ago, my Jedi is still out there hiding from me for reasons I can only guess at."

"I know a thing or two about Jedi. Everything they do, they do for a good reason, especially when it's as hard as leaving you seems to be for your Kyle."

Jan didn't reply but only shook her head and looked back down at the _Crow's_ controls. Everyone had said that Kyle must have left her because it was the best thing, but if it was as painful as this, how could it be for the best?

"You know what I think?" Angel's booming voice announced, forcing her out of her thoughts, "I think you need a nickname.

"Why would I need that?"

"I dunno, just thought it'd be a good idea." Angel put his chin into his big hand and rubbed it for a few moments. "I heard from Uly that you're a spitfire that has the spirit of a wildcat. How's She-cat sound to you?"

"Whatever you like."

"Uh uh, you gotta like it too."

Jan let out a little sigh and looked back at him. "She-cat is great. I honestly like it."

"Then She-cat it is." Angel slapped his thighs with his palms. "You hungry? 'Cause I'm starvin' You got any food on this ship?"

"Try the galley," Jan suggested, "Help yourself, I'm not hungry."

"Alrighty then, I'll eat and you tell me when we reach Unia."

"Deal," Jan said, grateful that she could have some time to herself. Angel was a nice guy and she already liked him. But knowing that he was here to make sure she wasn't going to screw up again made it hard for her to be with him.

Unia wasn't that far away but it felt interminable to Jan. When they reached the sector, she informed Angel of their coming arrival. Apparently his enormous size came with an enormous stomach because he informed her that she was now out of food. "Good thing we're on a supply run, eh She-cat?" he said with a teasing smile.

Jan forced herself to smile back. He really was a sweet guy. It was easy to see why this Dayna had called him Angel. If she were a happier person she would have laughed with him, but she had forgotten how.

The merchant who was holding the goods for them was in the central square of Unia's capital city which bore the same name. It should have been fast and easy, but the merchant was now demanding double the promised price. With her negotiating skills gone with her spirit, Jan let Angel take over the haggling.

Her survey of the square made her lock eyes with another merchant. She didn't think anything of it until after Angel had brought their merchant down to the original price when she looked back and saw that the man was still staring at her.

"Angel," she reached up and grabbed his shoulder, "That man is watching me."

"Well, She-cat, you're a might pretty gal. It ain't hard to believe a man would be staring at you."

"No, this is something different," Jan said. Before she knew it she was walking over to the man's little stall that stood outside his shop.

"Jan, wait up!" Angel called after her, but she barely heard him. The merchant continued to stare at her with a sense of familiarity.

"Excuse me," Jan said when she reached him, "What's with all of the staring?"

"I'm sorry, I just thought you looked familiar," he said. He blinked at her once and then recognition appeared in his eyes. "You're the woman from the picture."

"What picture?"

"A man came by a couple of weeks ago and traded a possession of his for enough credits to buy passage away from here. When he pulled it out, he dropped a picture of you."

"Me?" Jan asked in confusion. A thought occurred to her, one she chose not to put any hope on. "Do you still have what he traded you?"

"Wait here." The merchant went inside of his shop. Angel looked over at Jan with confusion and curiosity.

"What's all of this about?" he wanted to know.

Jan didn't have time to reply because the merchant returned then dangling a shiny object over his fingers. When he laid it on the counter, they were able to see it was a strange medallion. It could have been called a silver color but it was far shinier than that. It had a strange sort of crest carved on its face. Angel let out a whistle. "That sure it s pretty little thing."

"Who gave you this?" Jan asked with astonishment.

"Guy said his name was Morgan Rahn."

Jan covered her mouth with her hand as tears welded up in her eyes. "Where did he go?"

"I sent him over to my brother in law, Salik. He runs a charter business so he could tell you where he went."

She nodded, barely able to breathe. "H—how much do you want for the medallion?"

"Guy said it was made of silvertine, so I say two-hundred credits."

"I'll take it," Jan said before Angel could protest over the price. She forked over the credits and greedily took the medallion.

She walked away with Angel right beside her. "Okay, what's all of this about here?"

Jan looked down at the jewel in her hand. "I can't believe this."

"Yeah, you paid a fortune for somethin' that's probably not worth ten credits."

"You don't understand," Jan said, "It's worth every penny. It's really silvertine."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know who this belongs to," she whispered, caught in a moment of pure joy, "It's a family heirloom passed down from father to son for generations."

Jan rubbed the engraving with her thumb and closed her eyes with a smile. "It's Kyle's."

Angel could see that this woman was tangled in a web of total happiness and he truly hated to break it, but someone had to. "I hate to say this, She-cat, but the merchant said it belonged to some fella named Morgan Rahn."

"I know," she said, still smiling. "Morgan Katarn was Kyle's father and Qu Rahn was the Jedi whose spirit contacted him." She grinned down at the medallion in her hands. "You're not very original, Kyle."

"Okay, I'm convinced," Angel confessed, "So what'cha gonna do now?"

"Find Salik," Jan said, clenching the medallion into her fist, "and then find Kyle."

* * *

A/N: Jan has finally found a bona fide lead on Kyle, but will she find him? Even worse, will trouble find her? You'll have to wait and see. Reviews are always read and appreciated.


	5. Chapter 4: Need

Disclaimer: One day none of this will be ours...I guess that's today since none of it is.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Only one more chapter left in Part 1! Gosh, this really has flown by fast. Hard to believe, isn't it? In this chap, Jan gets into trouble, nothing new, but this time it might end to her breathing her last. Will she find Kyle? Or will she come home alone again?

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: One more chapter to go and I'm going crazy, we never ever write a story this quickly so all of our fans should be thrilled. I'm in shock at how into this story we are, it's been a long time. The title of this chapter is based on the song that I think fits this fic, Need by Hana Pestle. I play it on my iPod to get in the mood for a desperate Jan.

**Lord of Anonymous:** We're really interested in your story and we hope you'll write it soon. We'll definitely read it. I hope you like this chapter.

**shanesnest:** Our dear friend! We so love reading your review and seeing how much you love this story. It's almost done which means we'll get to work on Part 2 lickety split. Speaking of Part 2, still anticipating your next part in The Rise and Fall. Keeping our fingers crossed until then.

NOTE: We made a little whoopsy. According to Wookiepedia, the Moldy Crow was destroyed on Ruusan. Oh well, since this is an Alternate Universe, and they didn't really make it clear in the game, we'll let Jan keep flying her beloved ship with the horrible name.

* * *

Chapter 4: Need

It took Angel a great deal of persuasion to convince Jan to finish their mission and then to return to Coruscant to tell Mon Mothma about what they had discovered. Jan was on pins and needles the entire way, impossible to deal with. She was anxious to find her friend now that she had a real lead. However, there was on obstacle she didn't expect.

"No," Mon Mothma said.

Jan frowned at the Chief of State. "What do you mean no?"

"I'm not going to authorize any more searches."

"But this is real!" Jan protested, slamming down the medallion as proof, "The merchant said Morgan Rahn gave this to him. His brother in law Salik brought him to Davnia a month ago. He could still be there."

"He could," Mon Mothma agreed, "Or he could be a million miles away. Jan, Kyle will come back when he wants to. This search for him is torturing you."

"Exactly, that's why if you let me find Kyle I won't be in pain anymore," Jan replied with an irritated edge to her tone.

"And if he isn't there, what then? Where will you go? What will you do?" Mon Mothma demanded, "I'm sorry, Jan, but I'm tired of seeing your heartbreak every time you return alone. I won't allow it to happen again."

"But I know where he is!"

"No, you know where he _could_ be. That's all you've known for months."

"I have proof this time, real proof!"

Mon Mothma raised one of her slim white hands as a gesture for her to calm down. "I know that. I don't doubt that you have actually found a part of Kyle's trail, but that doesn't change my decision."

"I don't understand," Jan said, trying to stay cool, "For months you supported me and now that I have really found him, you say I have to let him runaway again?"

Mon Mothma took a deep breath before leaving her chair so she could stand in front of Jan. "Jan, think about Kyle. What do you think he wants? He left for a reason; he's hiding for a reason. Do you really think he wants you to find him?"

The Chief of State could see that her words had forced Jan to think. This was a good sign. "You don't want to upset him, do you? If you care for him as much as I know you do, then you'll let him be."

Jan bowed her head to hide the fact that she was on the brink of tears again. She had cried more in these past few months than she'd ever had in her life, and that included when she was a baby. Kyle was so near and yet on the other side of the universe. She was desperate to find him, but was Mon Mothma right? Would that only make Kyle hate her even more?

"I—I need to go," Jan whispered, feeling all of her strength drain out of her once the last word was said.

Mon Mothma nodded. "You're doing the right thing, Jan. He'll come home when he's ready."

Jan didn't reply. Instead she turned around and left the office. Her heart was breaking all over again.

* * *

When Jan finally stepped through the door of her apartment she realized that she couldn't remember how she had gotten there. She felt like she was adrift in a deep fog or lost on some distant frozen world, she felt numb and cold. She tried desperately to grasp at some thought but it was lost to the cobwebs that surrounded her.

She grabbed a blanket and wrapped its thick folds around her, as if that would help her find her way. She sat down on her bed again and looked down at her hands that were holding the blanket around her; her knuckles were white because she was holding the thick cloth so hard.

For the first time in so long Jan had no idea what to do. For years she had planned everything; that was who she was, responsible and dependable. She was the one who could chart the courses for missions, had the escape plans to get Kyle out of danger, she thought ahead and knew what her next step would be before she even took it.

But now she was stuck at a fork in the road and for the life of her she had no idea which one she should take. She could continue with her search or she could finally take her friend's sound advice and let Kyle come home when he was ready. She could get back to a normal life, actually eat three meals and sleep through the night. She could finally let the weight of the last few months ease off of her shoulders and learn to feel alive again; Jan could deny that she was weary. She was tired of the pain that she felt every time she lost another lead and she was exhausted from the abuse she was putting her body under. Maybe it was time to call it quits.

"Good choice," Kyle said appearing by her side, "Everyone else is right, it's like I've been saying all along, stop killing yourself over me and just move on."

"But I miss you," she whispered, her voice sounded flat and almost dead, when had that happened?

"I know," he replied, "and it's good that you do, but you shouldn't be chained to my memory, let yourself be free. Don't you want to live like you used to, spend time with friends, celebrate special occasions, and maybe even meet new people?"

"I…I don't know," she admitted, "for so long my future was always going to be with you, I'm not sure I can imagine ever being with anyone else."

"You'll never know if you don't try," he told her, a wistful smile on his face.

"But you'll come back won't you?" Jan said a tinge of hope on her voice.

Kyle sighed and shook his head, "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Jan repeated her voice rising in pitch, "what do you mean 'you don't know'?"

"I'm not really him, you know that, I don't know where he is or what he plans to do," Kyle explained, "I can't predict the future Jan. All I know is that he isn't ready to find you yet…he may never be ready."

"No," Jan protested, "they said that you would come back, that if I stopped you would come back on your own."

"That is what they hope will happen Jan but hope isn't a certainty, I might never come back Jan."

Jan's breaths were coming out in great gusts. Hope wasn't good enough. She needed Kyle more than anything. "Then I'll make sure you come back," she said with a voice of steel.

Now Kyle grew grave, "No Jan, don't do this."

"I have to, I have to bring you back. I need you."

"No you don't," He told her passionately, "listen to me for once, this isn't worth it Jan. I'm not worth your life."

"Yes you are!" she shouted at him, "you were always so much more than me, so special and strong, I'm not the one this galaxy needs."

"Stop it! Stop selling yourself short like this," Kyle said through gritted teeth, "I don't want you dead."

"I don't care about my life, all I care about is you," she replied, "Like it or not, you're coming home."

* * *

Mon Mothma had said that Jan had given up on Kyle, but Angel knew that appearances could be deceiving. The search for Kyle had become a drug to the young pilot. And like most narcotics, it was making her ill. Her emaciated body was pale and filled with deep pain. She was beginning to look like a walking corpse.

Angel walked into the hangar and wasn't surprised to see Jan finishing the final preparations for the _Crow_. "I figured you wouldn't let this go," he said to her.

Jan turned to look at him. "I can't give up on Kyle."

"You ain't givin' up on him you're lettin' him come to you."

"How can I be sure he'll come back?"

Angel let out a long sigh. "Well I suppose it ain't a hundred percent, but if he cares about you as much as everyone says he does, I'll bet he'll come back."

Jan shook her head. "I'm not going to live on bets. I'm going after Kyle and no one can stop me."

"I reckon that's so," he agreed. Angel was a strong man, but he wasn't the kind of man to force a woman to do anything. He knew something the others didn't want to see. Jan had already gone too far with this obsession. She was going to have to learn her lesson the hard way.

"I'm comin' with you."

Jan shook her head emphatically. "No, I can do this by myself."

"Two heads are better than one, She-cat; a fresh pair of eyes might help."

Angel could only hope that her weariness would help his case. She was obviously losing strength, maybe she could see that.

"Are you going to tell Mon Mothma?" she wanted to know.

Angel shook his head. "It wouldn't stop you if I did."

"Fine then," Jan said, "You can come along, but I'm not waiting for you to grab your gear."

"I've got my gun, it's all I need."

"Good, then let's get to it." Jan opened the door to the _Moldy Crow_. Angel hesitated, feeling in every synapsis in his brain that this was a very bad idea.

* * *

Jan made it to Davnia in record time. The fuel tank was almost completely drained which meant they would have to gas up before heading out again…with Kyle. She was exhausted but excited all at once. He was near. She could feel it in her heart.

Angel was sitting next to her and hadn't spoken, or eaten for that matter which was a surprise. Jan knew he wanted to make sure she didn't do anything stupid, but what could be foolish about finding Kyle?

Would he be happy to see her? Everyone said he was probably in just as much pain as her so there was certainly hope. Kyle back meant that the past seven months didn't matter. She would be made whole again.

She was given clearance to land in docking bay seven. Once the _Crow_ was settled, Jan leapt from her chair and dove towards the exit. "Hold on, She-cat," Angel told her after grabbing her arm, "You're half-dead. Take things slow."

"I need to find him," Jan hissed, jerking her arm freed.

"You've said that a hundred times. I think you should care for yourself first before you start goin' even more nuts."

"I'm fine," she said, "Now are you with me or not."

"'Course I'm with you."

"Then don't try and stop me." Jan walked away with a mask of stone determination on her pretty face. But that mask wasn't perfect, Angel knew. It would fade eventually as her spirit began to wane.

Jan had her picture of Kyle ready at hand as she walked up to the docking master. "Have you seen this man?"

The docking master looked up at her with confusion. "What are you talking about, lady?"

"Just answer the question."

He narrowed his eyes at the picture then nodded. "Yeah, I think I have. Came by a month ago on a hired transport. Paid his immigration fee without any problems."

"Immigration fee?"

"Said he planned on staying here a few weeks. He needed an immigration pass in order to get a job."

The news lit up Jan's face with a joyous smile. "Thank you so much," she said, "Do you know where he works."

"I only took his money, not his address. You'll have to ask someone else."

"That's alright. You've given more than I ever could have hoped."

Jan was still smiling when she turned around to look at Angel. "Kyle paid for a pass so he could stay here for a few weeks. That means we have a good chance of him still being here."

"Alrighty then, what's our plan of action?"

"I'm going to go around and ask people if they've seen him," Jan said.

"That'll take forever."

"You got any better ideas?!" she half-shouted at him in frustration.

"Actually I do," he said, "If Kyle wanted a job here; the best place to find one are at places of employment. We can narrow it down further by askin' if any of the bosses were offerin' apartments as well."

Jan grinned and nodded. "Kyle would need a place to live while he's here. Great idea, Angel!"

"I've been known to have a few."

"Let's go then," Jan said with renewed vigor in her step.

Angel was just about to follow her but something caught his eye. There was a man who looked down as Jan was walking away. He reached up and talked into his wrist comm, "I've seen her. Do you want me to carry it out?"

"Angel, come on!" Jan urged from up ahead, forcing him to miss what else was said.

"Coming, She-cat," he assured her. When Angel looked back the man was gone.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

It was in the third place the Jan looked that she got a hit. It was a bar named _Starstruck_. It was clean and served good prices for its liquor, the perfect place for a man in need of a job and a drink to stay.

"Excuse me," Jan said to the middle-aged bartender.

"Be with you in one minute," he replied as he finished pouring a customer a drink. Once he was done, he looked back up at her. "What can I get you? Beer? Wine?"

"Information," she replied and gave him the picture, "Do you know—?"

"Morgan," the barkeep said, "Yeah, I know him, assuming that was what you were going to ask me."

Jan smiled with relief and gratitude. "Does he work for you?"

"No, but he comes here maybe once a week, sometimes more if something was bothering him. I've got a feeling it deals with that woman."

"What woman?" Jan inquired, suddenly feeling cold.

"Well last time he was here, he saw that notice over there." He nodded his head towards the wall. Jan frowned at first but then everything made perfect sense. "I don't get it," the barkeep said, "I mean, who cares about Jedi, but obviously Morgan did. He took a long took at it and then I heard him say, 'Jan, what are you doing?' That was last week."

A part of Jan was hurt now that she was aware that Kyle had seen her notices and hadn't contacted her, but the side that didn't care was ruling her at that particular moment.

"Do you know where he works?" Jan asked.

"At Gabe's mechanical shop, he lives in the apartment above it."

Her heart made a great leap at the news. "Thank you so much," she whispered as tears hung at the rims of her eyes, tears of joy.

The bartender looked at her long and hard before saying, "You're Jan, aren't you?"

She gave him a smile. "I have some business to attend to."

She walked out followed quickly by Angel. "You're down right beautiful when you smile," he said, "You should try doin' it more often."

"I will now that I've found Kyle," she promised him. Jan's smile stayed but her thoughts were taking her back down her memories, "You know, I thought my life was great when I first joined the rebellion. I was fighting for something I truly believed in. But then one day the base was attacked and I locked eyes with a stormtrooper…and I felt something."

Angel raised an eyebrow. "You sayin' it was love at first sight?"

She let out a little laugh. "No of course not. I just knew he wasn't like the other Imperials and he proved that by letting us all go. I saw him again a few months later and found out his name was Kyle Katarn. That's when I told him the truth about how the Empire killed his father. He left with me to join the rebellion right after."

She grinned a little at all of the memories. "I didn't realize how boring my life was until I met Kyle. Sometimes I wanted to strangle him, but he was the best friend I could have ever asked for."

"Well then," Angel said, "I guess it's time you two reunited."

They found directions to Gabe's easily by asking a passing stranger. It was a plain shop that had the usual mechanical equipment on display in the windows. A sign promised, "Lifetime guarantee on all repairs" _A little arrogant, but he might be that good,_ Jan thought to herself.

Her heart was hammering against her ribs as she walked inside the shop. There was an elderly man polishing a carburetor until it shined like it was brand new. "Good afternoon," the man said after putting the carburetor down and lifting up his spectacles, "What can I do for—? You!"

Jan blinked at him in surprise. "Me?"

"Yes, you're the one in the picture Morgan would look at," Gabe said. Jan didn't hide her smile; that was the second mention of the picture. "What's your name?" Gabe asked.

"Jan."

He nodded his head. "One night he fell asleep here in the shop. I heard him whisper your name, but when I asked about you he shut down completely."

Jan was too busy being so happy to hear that Kyle dreamed about, even missing her it seemed, to hear the past tense in Gabe's words.

"Excuse me," Angel cut in, "But you said before that Morgan _would_ look at the picture? He doesn't anymore?"

"I imagine he does, but I wouldn't know about it," Gabe confessed.

A sick feeling seemed to wash over Jan. Her skin tingled as if she had been blasted with cold air. "What do you mean?"

"Well he left about a week ago."

"Left?" Jan reiterated with quivering lips "Wh—where did he go?"

"I'm afraid I don't know."

Inside her mind, Jan was screaming but her body had gone completely cold. It was as if her spirit had abandoned, leaving only an empty shell in its wake. She turned around and started walking. She left the shop but didn't even see where she was going. The walking dead: that's what she was now. Kyle was gone, forever it seemed. She couldn't live without her heart.

She didn't know where she was headed. She could have walked into an ocean and wouldn't have even noticed that she was drowning. Death would be a relief to her now. The pain would be gone forever then.

Angel was following her but at a short distance. He didn't even think she'd remembered he'd come with her. Up ahead, he saw that man from before leaving the docking bay. He stood outside the door, waiting for something it seemed.

Jan was walked into the docking bay headed towards the _Moldy Crow_. The moment she stepped inside, the man followed her. Alarm bells started clanging inside Angel's head. That twisted feeling in his gut that always told him something was wrong had returned.

Jan had just reached docking bay seven when the man stopped in the hallway. It was now that Angel saw the detonator in his hands. "No!" he shouted.

The man spied Angel and accidently pushed the button.

Inside the docking bay, Jan computed Angel's cry just as the white hot light blinded her. She felt herself being thrown backward with sharp bits of metal cutting into her skin. Then she knew nothing at all.

* * *

Doctor Asiko was waiting in the medical facility on Coruscant for the patient that was about to arrive. He had received orders from the Chief of State to see to the woman's care. She had chosen him because he had the most honorable reputation in the galaxy. Mostly his talents were reserved for the Senators and other more important figures. This patient must be close to Mon Mothma to have earned the right to be under his care.

Nurses and aids rushed into a room with a flurry of activity. "What's the situation?" the Mon Calamari doctor asked.

"Female in her mid to early twenties," one the human nurses called out to him, "She was caught in an explosion. The staff on board the med-ship the _Nebula III_ managed to remove all of the shrapnel but her breathing is shallow and pulse is erratic."

"Name?" Asiko asked.

"Jan Ors."

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Mon Mothma looked in through the observation window as the finest doctor available strived to save Jan's life. Stupid, stupid girl to lose all insight and disobey orders. Despite this, Mon Mothma blamed herself. She should have insisted that Jan see a doctor to deal with her loss, that or have sent dozens of teams scouring the galaxy to find Kyle Katarn and drag him home by his hair.

Too many should haves with more than enough blame for all of them. Mon Mothma looked over at Leia, Han and Luke, each of them wearing the same grave faces. They all had seen this coming but none of them imagined this much damage. Jan was never one to go with the norm, even her injuries were to the extreme.

The door opened but only Mon Mothma turned to look to see who had just arrived. Angel walked up beside her with a sad look on his normally cheerful face. "How's she doin'?"

"It's too soon to tell," she confessed to him.

Angel bowed his head in shame. "I'm sorry ma'am. I thought if I went with her, I could protect her. It's my fault."

Mon Mothma put a hand on his shoulder. "No Angel, it's my fault. She's always been my responsibility and I refused to see how deep all of this went."

"I say it's Kyle's fault," Han voiced.

"Han!" Leia gasped out his name in shock.

"If he hadn't left, she wouldn't be on that slab with a dozen tubes sticking out of her."

"It's not anyone's fault," Luke announced while still looking at Jan, "None of us could have predicted this, especially not Kyle. If he had known he never would have left her."

Mon Mothma knew that Luke never lied, but she couldn't believe him. Jan had been in need of guidance and she had failed to give it. But she didn't voice her shame out loud, instead it shown through her eyes while she gazed at the patient below.

Doctor Asiko looked up at them, blinking his black eyes as he said through the comms, "I've managed to seal all of her wounds."

Everyone let out a sigh of relief. "So she'll be alright?" Mon Mothma inquired with a hopeful smile.

"I'm afraid not," the doctor said grimly, "She's dying."

The news struck them all as if they had been slapped across the face. It didn't seem feasible. Jan Ors was as tough as the come, a spitfire who couldn't be put down by anyone. She punched men in the face when they insulted her, shot her enemies with perfect aim. She was supposed to survive anything.

"But you said her wounds were healing," Mon Mothma said to him.

"They are. It appears she's simply lost the will to live."

Leia buried her face into Han's shoulder while Luke shook his head. The twins had lost their mother of the same illness: a broken heart.

The medical droids turned away and shut down. Asiko put down all of his medical equipment but stayed by his patient's side. "I'm afraid I've done all that I can. It's up to her now."

Just as the words were out of his mouth, the heart monitor stopped its wild chant and let out one long shrill beep. The sound pierced the companions like a dagger in their chests. Leia let out a sob and Han held her close.

"Prepare the defibrillator!" he ordered on the nurses, "Now!

* * *

Jan wasn't sure what had happened exactly, but she suddenly found herself in a sea of endless white light. She was wearing the clothes she'd worn before but they were clean and absent of any rips or bloodstains. _Wasn't I in an explosion?_ she thought to herself. Yes, she was. Someone had put a bomb on the _Moldy Crow_.

_I must be dead._

"No Jan Ors, you are not dead yet."

Jan whirled around in search of the strange voice. All around her was white, nothing else. "Where are you?"

"I am not a tangible presence. My spirit is speaking to you now."

Jan rolled her eyes, "Okay the, who are your Mr. Disembodied Voice."

"A friend."

"And I was afraid you would be vague," she muttered, "Where am I?"

"You are caught between life and death, Jan Ors. I have brought you here to convince you to end your quest to die."

"You may not know this, but I'm very stubborn." Jan let out a long sigh, "And I'm tired of living a life without Kyle."

"I know."

Jan grinned at nothing. "I suppose you're going to say that you know everything about me."

"Yes."

That news surprised Jan as well as terrified her. "You do? Why?"

"Because your destiny is intertwined with Kyle's."

Jan frowned, now a little confused. "What do you mean my destiny? I'm nobody, how can I have a destiny?"

"You _are_ special Jan, and your destiny rests along side Kyle's."

"Apparently you haven't been watching me very closely. Kyle's gone."

"He will return."

Jan shook her head solemnly. "I don't believe that anymore."

Beside her there was a sudden flash of light. Jan jumped back in fear. But when the light faded, she let out a gasp. "Kyle?" she whispered.

Her hallucination wasn't talking to her this time; he wasn't even looking at her. Kyle was asleep on the ground. It was strange that she would conjure up an image of him sleeping when before he had always been her annoying voice of reason.

Jan sat down beside Kyle but didn't bother to touch him. He was only an illusion. "Oh Kyle," she whispered to him with tears nipping at her eyes, "I miss you so much."

A tear slipped free from her eye, rolled down her face and then splashed onto Kyle's cheek. She gasped when he opened his eyes and touched the drop that had landed on his face. He looked around with a quizzical frown, but didn't seem to see anything.

"That—that—he's—." Jan wasn't sure what to say. She was on her feet now, still staring at Kyle. "But he's a—."

"No," the voice said, "He is the real Kyle Katarn. I opened a window so you could see him."

"He's real," Jan repeated to herself with her fingers covering her mouth. She walked back towards him. "Kyle! It's me, it's Jan!"

But Kyle didn't pay any attention to her. Instead he lay back down and closed his eyes again.

"He cannot hear you, Jan Ors. I opened the window for you alone."

"But when I cried, he felt it," she said.

"That was done by the connection you share."

Jan liked the idea of there being a bond between them, some sort of rope that tied them together. It meant she could never leave him, nor he her. She reached out towards him but then he disappeared and her heart broke in another crack.

"No, bring him back!" she shouted.

"No," the voice told her, "my purpose was to show you that Kyle is out there and that he is aware of you."

"I know that, but I can't find him."

"Stop looking and you will find him."

Jan blinked in bafflement. "What do you mean?"

"The more you look, the more he runs. Leave it be and you will see him again. I promise you that."

"You're swearing that I'll be with him again?" Jan repeated, mystified by the first promise anyone had ever given her about Kyle.

"Yes, but you must live. If you die, Kyle will never forgive himself. Live and you will see him again."

A life with Kyle again. Was it really only a breath away? "When will I see him again?"

"I cannot tell you that."

"Why not?!"

"I cannot interfere with your destiny. What I have done now was necessary to ensure the future remains untouched. You must go on. You must complete your future."

A column of bright blue light appeared in front of Jan. A great power seemed tow swirl around, a ghostly presence that sent chills through Jan's bones. "Enter the beacon," the voice told her, "Go now, before your soul has left your body completely."

"But I have more questions."

"There is no time! Go now!"

Jan looked at the beacon and swallowed hard. Did she dare trust this strange voice who had told her all of these wonderful things? Learning about the Jedi had taught her that there were many powerful things in the universe some good and others very bad. Which presence did this side belong to, the light or the dark?

"Go, Jan Ors! Your time is about to expire!"

She held her breath and stepped into the blue light.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Doctor Asiko applied the defibrillator pads to Jan's chest for the fourth time and still her heart refused to beat. He shook his head and handed them to a medical droid. He looked up at the observers behind the glass. "I'm sorry," he told them, "She's gone."

"Oh no," Leia whispered and wrapped herself in Han's arms even tighter. He hugged her to his chest as her entire frame shook from her sobs. Luke looked solemn as he stared down at the lifeless form of Jan Ors. It was as if he was in shock that it had actually come to this.

Mon Mothma was normally a woman of good composure. She had been threatened by the Empire a dozen times and she had never shows a face of fear. Now she couldn't help but let a tear slide down her cheek.

Then a miracle occurred.

The monitor let out a series of beeps, first shallow and then they got louder and louder still. They were more than that, they were strong. Doctor Asiko gazed down at the recently dead woman with shock.

Her chest was moving up and down at a healthy rate. Her neuro-scans showed normal brain waves. More importantly, her heart was beating.

"She's alive," he announced, totally perplexed by the blessed event, "I think she'll be alright."

Luke's recently morose face broke out into a smile and Leia let out another sob, but this one of joy. Mon Mothma wiped away her tear and hugged Angel.

No one could decipher why, but Jan had decided to live.

* * *

Trouble was brewing onboard the _Imperial Legacy_. Back when the Empire had been in its Golden Age, any form of disobedience was punishable by death. Many onboard the Star Destroyer were wondering if this defiance would end the same way, especially since it was a Sith who was the delegator.

Castin Mohc knew he had made a mistake but he refused to accept this fact. His father was a general decorated by the Emperor. He deserved vengeance. Why was it that this Sith bastard couldn't understand a son's desire for justice?

Ganis Teerak walked into the room where Castin had been waiting. The Sith didn't look angry, quite calm in fact. He had expected a severe tongue lasing for what Ganis regarded as a crime. Had he changed his mind?

His wondering was quickly answered when sharp needles of pain seemed to jab into his brain. Castin could hear screaming, was that him? He couldn't think. He couldn't breath. All he could feel was an intense agony that spread into every nerve in his body.

"You fool," Ganis said in a calm but fearful voice, "I told you to leave Jan Ors alone. How could you have the gumption to defy me?"

"She—she deserves t—to die!"

"Perhaps, but your shoddy attempt achieved nothing. You wasted precious money on a worthless bomb."

"My m—m—money," Castin struggled to say, "C—can do what I—I want with it."

"Not as long as I am aboard on this ship," Ganis hissed, "I ought to crush your throat for this."

Despite the pain, Castin was able to compute his words. Now he regretted his decision. Now he was afraid.

"Unfortunately I still need you." Ganis waved his hand and the pain disappeared. Only the memory remained.

"Leave me," the Sith ordered, "and if you disobey me again, I don't care how useful you are, I _will_ destroy you."

He wasn't lying, Castin could see that. "I understand," he said. Quickly, he climbed up off of his knees and walked out of the room. Once the door closed behind him, he ran down the hall as fast as he could.

Ganis heard the pathetic human's escape. Castin was a fool, but a useful fool. For now he would tolerate his presence until it was time to strike. Then the Empire would return and Ganis would never have to suffer idiots like Mohc's son again.

That he swore.

* * *

Sound was the first sense to return to Jan. There was a beeping sound, kind of annoying, and a splashing sound. The beeping must be a heart monitor and the splashing the bacta being dripped into an IV to help her heal. Touch came next. She could feel cool air being blown across her face and the soft fabric of a blanket that covered her chest and rested beneath her palms.

She found the strength to open her eyes and saw a bright light. She quickly closed them again, but the motion had been noticed. "Jan?" someone said, a woman, "Jan, are you awake?"

"M—Mon Mothma?" she croaked out. Her mouth and throat were dry, like she had swallowed coarse sand.

"Yes, Jan, it's me. Please open your eyes again."

She slowly lifted her lids this time so she could adjust to the light. Mon Mothma was standing over her now and so were Luke, Leia and Han. All of them were smiling down at her, though for what reason she couldn't fathom. Shouldn't they be angry? She had nearly gotten herself killed, how could they be smiling at her?

"Welcome back to the land of the living," Han greeted her.

"I'm about to die of thirst," she replied.

Han chuckled at her and Luke gave her a silver cup. A straw was poking out of it to allow her to sip the cool, refreshing liquid. Her throat was immediately soothed.

"Why are all of you here?" she wanted to know.

Leia gave her a little frown. "We came to make sure you were alright. Doctor Asiko says you'll make a full recovery."

"That's good."

Mon Mothma narrowed her eyes at Jan. "You're not thinking about continuing this search, are you?"

"Mon Mothma—." she started to say, but was cut off.

"Jan I forbid you to follow any more leads. Look at what happened to you!"

"This isn't healthy," Leia agreed.

"You're going nuts," Han said.

"Kyle will have to come back on his own," Mon Mothma continued, "You have to accept that."

"I know," Jan said.

All of her friends were taken aback by what she had just said. "What?" Luke inquired, "Are you saying you're giving up?"

She gave them a weak nod. "It's funny how almost dying makes a person see how crazy they've gotten." Jan took another sip of the quenching liquid before saying, "I'm done looking for Kyle. I—I can't go on like this."

Mon Mothma nodded. "You're doing the right thing."

Jan suddenly sat up as a horrible thought occurred to her. It was a bad move because every muscle in her body seemed to hurt. "Angel! Is he alright?"

"Perfectly fine," Mon Mothma told her, "A few scrapes and bruises, but nothing permanent."

"What about the _Crow_?"

"Completely destroyed," Luke informed her.

Jan let out a long, heavy sigh before lying back down on the bed. "Well, that's what I get for going insane."

"I'll find a new ship for you, Jan, but you won't be flying for quite a while," Mon Mothma said. Jan looked annoyed by this, but she raised her hand to silence her before she could speak. "I've assigned you to work with the best psychiatrist available. You need help, Jan."

"I know," Jan admitted; it seemed to hurt her to do so.

"When you're ready I'll put you back on assignments with your new ship."

Jan gave her a nod. "New ship, new start I guess."

"That's a good attitude," Luke said with a smile.

Mon Mothma nodded in agreement and saw the Jan gave him a weak grin. The smile was forced. She could see that the pain had left its mark on Jan, a scar on her soul. She would heal but she would be changed forever. She had learned to accept a great loss. No one escaped that unscathed.

"We'll let you rest," she said.

"I'll need it if I have to get my head examined by a shrink," Jan agreed. Her words made everyone let out an uneasy laugh. The mood seemed brittle, like they were all afraid that if they said something wrong she would begin her obsession again.

They didn't have any reason to worry. Jan watched as they left, knowing that they were afraid of her now, or really of what she could do to herself. But things had changed. She had changed. Kyle was gone and she couldn't bring him back.

But as she closed her eyes to try and get some more much needed sleep, she thought she heard that strange voice whisper, _"Soon, Jan Ors. He will come to you soon."_

* * *

A/N: Lots of questions. Who is the voice? When will Kyle return? You'll have to wait and see, mwa ha ha ha! Do review since we love to read them.


	6. Chapter 5: Ignore the Pot and it will Bo

Disclaimer: Nope, don't own a thing except the clothes on our backs.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Wow, I can't believe we finished this story, especially with our reputation for starting stories and not finishing them. At least this part is done and hopefully you'll be begging for the rest to see what happens next. Read and enjoy this very long chapter.

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Many people wonder how we write our stories together. Usually we each write different scenes, generally the ones that we came up with. Sometimes there is the odd scene that we both like to write or need help with, in some instances we literally pass the computer back and forth each writing one line of dialogue. (the scene with Mon Mothma, Luke, Han and Leia talking about Jan is an example) But as I said usually one of us writes one scene and the other another, of course this sometimes means that one of us is more responsible for one chapter than the other. In this case my sister wrote this chapter much more than I did. I wrote a couple of scenes but mostly I just drove my sister crazy waiting for her to finish so I could read it. I hope that makes you aware of how good this chapter is.

**shanesnest:** You are _really_ not happy with Kyle are you? Well I think you'll be even more angry with him when this chapter is through. Please don't hurt us!

**Lord of Anonymous:** We do adore your PM's and your story is very much anticipated. We certainly hope you like this chapter as much as we like your KOTOR idea.

* * *

Chapter 5: Ignore the Pot and it will Boil

Dr. Helena Bandon dealt with a lot of troublesome patients but Jan Ors certainly ranked high on the list of headache inducing ones. On the surface she should be the model patient, she was always lucid, showed up on time and never threatened with suicide but the truth was that the problem with Jan Ors wasn't as simple as insanity: she simply refused to talk about what was necessary.

"I suppose you would think I've been conflicted my whole life," Jan said in the present session, "my mom was a ballet dancer and my dad was an engineer, those two occupations don't seem to have much in common and I ended up learning both. The truth is that I love to dance just as much as I love to fly," she looked up suddenly, "I hope that goes under confidentiality, I don't want anyone knowing that I can wear toe shoes, it would ruin my tough reputation."

"That is interesting but Jan…"

"I know what you are going to say," Jan interrupted, "I'm trapped between two worlds, between a dancing ballet student and the tomboy with greased gloves, it means that I have trouble fitting into any niche because I'm not fully comfortable in either…I guess that's why I've always been a loner."

"Until you met Kyle," Dr. Bandon said startling Jan with that name.

"Of course being an only child could be part of the problem too," Jan replied quickly trying to change the subject.

"Why do you do this Jan?" Dr. Bandon asked, "you are avoiding the subject of Kyle Katarn completely," Jan looked away at the cityscape of Coruscant but her doctor continued talking, "you won't talk about your time with him, why you searched for him…you won't even look me in the eye when I speak his name. Why is that?"

"I don't want to talk about him," she said firmly.

"Your obsession with finding him is what caused your breakdown a month ago, it's the reason that you and I are meeting now. Until you are willing to talk about him I can't help you."

"So you're saying that talking about my childhood isn't giving you enough insight into my psyche," Jan retorted, "now you want to embarrass me about my failures."

Dr. Bandon shook her head, "I'm trying to help you Jan and the only way I know how to do that is to find the root of the problem and it isn't from your childhood…it's from your feelings for Kyle."

Jan was quiet for a long time, the only sound in the office were the speeders whizzing by the windows. This was the fourth session Jan had been forced to attend with Dr. Bandon and she honestly thought that she was being good; she hadn't tried to skip out on any of the meetings. All she wanted was for Dr. Bandon to give her a clean bill of health so she could go on with her life.

Unfortunately the good doctor wasn't going to let up until Jan spilled her deep dark secrets about her ex partner. The truth was that Jan was afraid to speak his name, afraid to even think about him, she couldn't shake the idea that if she opened that door she would fall back into that deranged woman looking for Kyle all the while ignoring the road signs telling her to stop and turn around.

But more than anything Jan wanted to move on and Dr. Bandon wouldn't let her without hearing the whole truth.

"What do you want to know?" Jan finally asked turning to look at her psychiatrist.

Dr. Bandon put reading her data-pad, "Let's start with why you feel guilty."

"Let's not."

She frowned at her patient, "Jan."

Jan heaved a sigh, "Sometimes I feel like it was my fault," she looked away from Helena, "because I pushed him away after I found out he was a Jedi." She turned back to her doctor, "Luke says that I'm wrong but…I don't know."

"Why did you push him away?"

"I was afraid, afraid of him becoming so special that he would leave me behind…and I would be all alone. Maybe if I made a preemptive strike it wouldn't hurt so much when he left me for the Jedi life."

"If that was only the case than you would have been prepared for him leaving," Dr. Bandon inferred, "so what else happened that made you choose to throw caution to the wind and find him?"

Jan shook her head, "It's stupid but…I dreamed that he came to me the night he left, I dreamed that he loved me. For a moment I had everything I'd ever wanted: his heart." She blinked back tears, "but then he took it all away when he left…he took my dream away."

"Why does this dream fuel you?" she asked, "it was just a dream." Dr. Bandon paused for a moment and looked at Jan for a short while before finally realizing what Jan wouldn't say, "Unless you think it was true?"

"Maybe I did then," Jan admitted, "but now…if he loved me he wouldn't have left."

"I see," she replied but continued to stare at Jan, "but you still dream that he does love you…don't you."

Jan raised her eyes to look into Helena's, "My dreams are all I have left."

* * *

"Alright, Chewie, fire her up," Han instructed his Wookie first mate, Chewbacca. Chewie let out a growl that Han interpreted as "Okay."

There was a pocking sound from the engine of the _Millenium Falcon_ and then it died with a loud cough. "Great," Han mumbled under his breath and began to attack the engine with his wrench. "You know if you keep acting up like this, old girl, I might have to trade you in for a newer model."

In reply, the _Falcon_ sprayed a sticky black fluid all over her captain's face and clothes. "I didn't mean it," he replied, "I swear I didn't mean it."

Laughter came from below him, but not Chewie's barking. It was a woman's laugh and a familiar one at that. "You do realize your ship isn't alive, right?" Jan asked him with a smile.

Han gave her his famous, charming grin. "Of course she's alive. Why else do you think she has all of these mood swings?"

She laughed again, a sound many thought they would never hear again. "Do you need any help?"

"Nah, I was just about to take a break. Sometimes a good nap is all she needs to start running again." Han climbed down from the top engines to stand on the same level as her. Jan had picked up a towel for him to clean himself up with. "Thanks," he said and wiped his face of the black sludge. "So what brings you down here?"

"Thought I'd see what I could do on the _Raven's Claw_, let out some of my frustrations by cleaning the fuel lines and replacing the pulse compactors."

"Uh huh," Han said, "What are you frustrated about?"

Jan walked over to the lockers to pull out a grey jumpsuit. "I just finished another session with Dr. Bandon."

"And how's that going?"

Jan looked back at him. "How would it go for you if you had to see a shrink?"

"I'd keep my mouth shut."

"Exactly."

Han shook his had at her. "You don't want to be like me, Ors."

"Of course not, then I'd be stuck with a rusty tin can of a ship."

"Hey now," Han said, "Now that's below the belt."

"I have kicked there before," Jan said and finished zipping up her jumpsuit.

"I did _not_ need to know that." She chuckled before rifling through her toolkit. "You know, Ors, this doctor is only trying to make you better."

Jan met his eyes. "I am better."

"You look like you are," Han admitted.

"It's not a look, Solo. I removed all of the notices and I've got a clean bill of health." She shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, I'm a little underweight but I'm trying to gain it all back."

"I know," he replied, "You are doing better Jan, but you still look…sad."

Jan closed her eyes and let out sigh. "I'm doing my best, but some days it's just hard."

"No one thought it would be easy."

She reverted her eyes to the ground and shook her head slowly. "I miss him."

Han nodded. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, but he knew it wouldn't be enough to wipe out the pain. "I know."

She let him console her for several moments but then pulled away. "I need to get to work on the _Claw_."

"I should check on the _Falcon_," Han replied, "Hopefully the rest did some good."

He left Jan to go and climb back up onto the _Falcon's_ top engines. Jan pulled out the fuel lines and was filling them with cleaning fluid when she heard Han shout, "Damn! Stop spraying with that stuff!"

She let out a laugh and shook her head before going back to work.

* * *

"I'm not sure what you're asking me," Dr. Bandon said to the woman across the desk. Mon Mothma had asked the doctor to come in; this wasn't an unusual circumstance as she was called to report on Jan's mental state. She was always careful, never revealing any personal information the operative had given, just reported on how she was progressing. This time the question the chief of state had thrown at her was surprising.

"Is she ready to go on missions?" Mon Mothma repeated.

"Jan has only been seeing me for a month; usually it takes longer for patients to recover from a collapse like the one she went through."

"I understand that," Mon Mothma agreed, "but Jan is very strong…she also doesn't handle sitting around very well."

"You mean that she is tired of being lazy and wants to get back to work," Helena sighed, "I know her character, she isn't happy unless she is working."

"I'm just not sure if forcing her to stay grounded and giving her plenty of time to think about what happened is such a good idea," she explained, "I talked her out of ending the search once but she ended up thinking things over and changed her mind."

"I don't believe that will happen in this case," Helena explained, "she has gone through a terrible ordeal and genuinely wants to move forward."

"She won't search for Kyle anymore."

"I didn't say that." Mon Mothma looked concerned and Helena put a hand up to silence her, "She _is_ going to stop consciously looking for Kyle, she won't hunt down any leads or follow his trail however that doesn't mean she won't still be searching for him. Every time she goes into a port, anytime she's in a crowded area she will look at the people surrounding her. Maybe she'll say that she's looking for enemies but really she's scanning faces, for the one person she wants to see again."

"Kyle."

The doctor nodded, "That's right."

Mon Mothma was quiet for a long while, taking in the information that Helena had told her, "So you are saying that she isn't ready to get back to work."

Dr. Bandon thought for a moment, "Perhaps she would be ready for a lighter load, nothing too strenuous, just enough to keep her hands busy. She is only just beginning to open up to me about Kyle, if she thinks that she is getting better than she might be more inclined to speak with me, less afraid that she'll relapse."

Mon Mothma smiled, "That's all I ask."

* * *

Jan was excited. She had a mission, a simple Blue Milk Run she would have whined about a few months back but now she didn't care. Finally she could so something besides fixing up her ship and twiddling her thumbs. She had given the _Raven's Claw_ a brand new hull for goodness sakes, and the original one had been in good condition.

She was on top of her ship, giving the cockpit windows one last wipe with her rag when she saw Angel walk into the hangar bay. "Are you coming with?"

"I surely am."

"How much is Mon Mothma paying you to babysit me again?"

Angel let out a deep bark of laughter. "It was my idea. Thought you might enjoy some company on this one."

"Company is always appreciated," she admitted as she climbed down. She jumped the last quarter of the way but when she touched ground her knees betrayed her and she nearly fell. Thankfully, Angel's beefy arms scooped her up before she collapsed.

"Easy there, She-cat, looks like you ain't got all of your strength back yet."

Jan chuckled and pulled away, "I'm fine, Angel, just a bad landing. Even first-class pilots like me can make them when we get too excited."

"I'd heard you were tearin' at the walls to get out of Coruscant," he said.

"I'm not one for having my wings clipped."

"Then I guess we better get to flyin'," Angel replied with a toothy smile.

"Hold up a second!" Luke's familiar voice called out to them. Jan turned around with a confused look. She was genuinely surprised to see her friend and even more surprised to see who was following him.

"Hey there, Jan," Cole Reigan said to her with a giant smile and wave.

"What's the Jedi kid doing here?" Jan asked Luke.

"I heard that you were shipping out to Illeena to get medical supplies for the Cathar colony on Molka," Luke said, "I was wondering if you'd be willing to take Cole with you on this one."

"Um, Luke, I'm a bit, okay _a lot_ confused," Jan said, "He's a Jedi in training and we don't expect to run into any Sith so why are you allowing this vacation?"

"There are some things I need to take care of and I thought you might help his disposition."

"His disposition?" Jan looked over at Cole and narrowed her eyes. "What did you do?"

"I didn't ask for it, honest," the boy pleaded, "She crawled into my room on her own."

Jan gaped at him. "You seduced another student!"

"Damn, he's good," Angel said.

"Don't encourage him," she ordered. Jan rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Get onboard, hot pants."

Cole's face lit up like the fireworks on Liberation Day. "Alright!" he cheered.

"I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing it for Luke," she replied, "And you better behave yourself or you can walk back to Yavin."

"Deal," he replied, too darn excited to care about her threats.

Jan shook her head as the kid rushed past her to get onboard. She gave Luke a look that clearly said 'thanks a lot'.

The Jedi Master smiled at her apologetically. "I figured you might be able to talk some sense into him. He's too…wild to listen to me."

"What makes you think he'll listen to me?"

"Because he has a crush on you."

Jan gave him a wide eyes and open mouth look. "Oh hell no, I'm not having some eighteen year old playboy trying to grab my ass!"

"I don't think he's that dangerous," Luke assured her while failing to keep from laughing. "I warned him that you'll break his fingers if he tries anything."

"I'll do more than that. I'll make sure he doesn't have anything left to impress the girls with."

"Tell that to him and you and I really won't have anything to worry about." Luke gave her another smile and wave, "See you and Cole when you get back."

"You'll see me for sure, _him_, that might be another story," she said before returning the wave. Jan walked onto her new ship and sealed the door. Now she was ready to go.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"Captain's Log," Jan spoke into the microphone that recorded what she said, "First entry. I'm heading to Illeena for a supply run, my first mission in a month. It's an easy assignment but I'm grateful. It takes my mind off things," she mumbled the last part out.

"You mean off of Kyle."

Jan whirled around with her heart thumping hard. She frowned hard at the intruder. "Damn it, Cole, you don't sneak up on someone when they're piloting a ship."

"Sorry, just thought I'd hang out with you," he said, "Angel's asleep in the bunk room. Did you know that he snores so loud that he makes the walls shake?"

"So where do you plan on sleeping?" Jan asked, "because it's not going to be with me."

"Well why do you get the big, private room?"

"One of the perks of being the captain," she replied with a teasing smile.

Cole took up the co-pilot's chair and surveyed the controls. "Oh, what's that do?" he reached over to push the giant green button.

Jan grabbed his hand. "Don't touch that or anything else on this dashboard."

"You do realize you're holding my hand, right?"

Once the last word was out of his mouth, Jan squeezed his hand almost as hard as she could until he gasped from pain, "Okay, okay I'm sorry."  
Jan let go so he could rub his sore digits. "See," she said, "now you're learning not to touch a girl unless she wants you to."

"Lesson learned, at least when it comes to you," he said, shaking out his bruised hand.

"So, Cole, why are you causing Luke trouble?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I don't really," she admitted, "But Luke's my friend and I don't like the idea of you making his life miserable, especially since I sent you there."

Cole let out a sigh. "I guess I don't react well to rules."

"Well you're eighteen, it's not unexpected," she said, "but why did you seduce one of the students?"

"Because she was hot."

Jan leaned back her head to stare at the ceiling. "I'm starting to get a migraine."

Now Cole looked a little guilty. "I don't want to turn into one of those stodgy old men I've heard about from my dad."

"You think Luke's going to do that to you?" Jan inquired, "He's not like that."

"Yeah, but he's saying I have to be careful of my emotions and my actions because they'll lead me down a dark path." He waved his hands and deepened his voice when he said the last words to make it more dramatic.

"He's not being stodgy, he's being smart."

Cole shook his head and muttered, "Yeah right."

Jan grabbed his shoulder. "Hey, look at me," she ordered, "I'm not a Jedi but I've seen what the Dark Side can do. It can make a friend, your best friend in the entire galaxy, a guy who saved you life time and again, consider killing you."

She bore down into his eyes with her own. "Darth Vader killed your father but before that he was Anakin Skywalker. Do you know why he wore that mask? It wasn't to be scary, it was because he joined the Dark Side and he fought with his master. He fell into a molten pit and was turned into a living piece of charred flesh.

"Luke knows what he's talking about. He's not trying to take away your spirit, he's trying make you grow up." She let go of his shoulder and leaned back in her chair. "You be careful, Cole, because your disregard of any rules is the first stepping stone towards the Dark Side."

Jan went back to fiddling with the controls while Cole looked at her in shock. "Jan Ors you are one scary lady." Then he smiled, "It's kind of fun."

Jan looked back at him with a cold glare. "You have five seconds to get out of this cockpit before I grab your hand again and start squeezing until it's crushed beyond repair."

"Going," he promised her with his cavalier smile still on his face.

She shook her head and pushed the button on the recording log. "Note to self: lock your door at night while Cole Reigan is onboard.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

"You know it ain't very nice lockin' the kid on the ship like you did," Angel said to Jan as the walked out of the docking bay.

Illeena was a very small planet with only one city. Years ago the major continent had been wiped out by a terrible earthquake. All that remained were islands. On the largest island was the city, the rest were used for what farming they could do. Most of the profit was made from fishing and the kolto mines on the ocean floor.

"It was necessary," Jan replied to Angel's comment, "I can't have him getting into any trouble while we're out. Tonight we'll let him loose while we're watching him to make sure he doesn't get his favorite body part shot off."

"I s'pose I should watch you then to make sure you ain't the one to shoot him."

Jan let out a laugh. "I think you're right."

"So you know that boy's sweet on you."

"Cole's got a crush on anything that wears a skirt."

"Well you ain't wearing one," Angel pointed out.

"In his head I am."

"Actually, in his head I'm pretty sure you're nake—."

"You better not finish that sentence, Angel," Jan warned him with a poisonous look.

"Don't you worry, She-cat, he's a good kid."

"I know that," she admitted, "but trouble excites him which isn't exactly what a Jedi needs."

"True enough," Angel agreed.

Jan had been smiling at him but suddenly it faded. She had a frown creasing her pretty face as she turned around to scan the crowd. "Someone's watching me," she whispered.

Angel looked around, in search for the person who was spying on Jan. There were some people staring but none of them had a devious or studying look on their face. But Jan continued to search for those eyes she could feel upon her.

"I don't see no one, She-cat," Angel said.

Jan nodded. "It must be my imagination." But as they continued their walk to the kolto plant, she would stop occasionally and look around, but she still saw no one.

They were halfway to the factory when someone shouted, "Matic? Is that you Matic?"

Jan and Angel both turned around to see a rather untrustworthy sort of man. His head was shaved bald and he had tattoos trailing both of his arms. He had a very good build to his very dirty body. His clothes were filthy and unkempt. There was a scowl on his face that seemed permanently set there.

"It is you Matic," he sneered.

"Jonas," Angel said, "What the hell are you doin' outta prison."

"Parole, wise ass."

"'Parently the justice on this planet needs a little more work," Angel commented.

"Who is this man?" Jan asked Angel who had stepped in front of her in a protective stance.

"A common crook who I put away seven year ago when I was workin' as a bounty hunter," he explained.

"I needed the money," Jonas argued, "I gotta eat."

"You don't need ten thousand credits to buy a hot meal," Angel replied.

"Well now I can't get a job, thanks to you."

"'Pears to me that you're doin' alright," Angel said, noting the man's good physique.

Jonas glared at the big man and growled, "I'm gonna get you for what you've done."

"You don't have the guts."

"Angel," Jan said, breaking through the giant's fury, "Let's go. We don't have time to deal with this."

Angel continued to glare at Jonas when he said, "You're right, She-cat." He was still boring into the criminal's eyes when he spoke to him. "You better git now. If you don't, I'm not gonna be liable for what I do to you, and I'm sure you remember how our last fight ended."

Jonas sneered at him one last time before he walked off into some alley. "Let's get to it," Angel said to Jan but his fists were still clenched.

"Angel, I think you should go back to the ship," Jan suggested.

"Why you thinkin' that?"

"I know an honest threat when I hear one and that guy is already working out something for you," Jan said, "We can't have him ruining this mission. Go back to the ship and check on Cole, make sure to take a different route." She gave him a reassuring smile and put her hand on his shoulder. "I'll be alright."

"Okay, She-cat," Angel said, "You're probably right. Be careful."

"I promise," she replied.

Jan watched him leave until he was swallowed up like the crowd. Angel was good on his word so she wasn't worried about him going after Jonas. She was more worried about Jonas going after him. _Angel can take care of himself_, she thought. It was true.

She continued on her way but stopped again to look around. She had thought that Jonas had been the one following them, but those eyes were still watching her. Besides, Jonas didn't have the brains to be as stealthy as her follower.

Jan reached the plant still feeling her watcher's presence. The deal was quick and easy, ending with the promise of the cargo in the morning. It was close to sundown and the sky was turning red when Jan made her way back towards the docking bay.

A drink was a good idea. Maybe she and Angel could take Cole to a bar, one preferably without dancing girls in loin cloths. Corellian ale would be a nice treat.

Jan felt eyes again and this time when she turned around she saw two men watching her, they didn't have a good look to them. Well two men were easy to lose. She cut through a back alley to find a small street. Three men were waiting for her on one side of it. _So they're going to play that game,_ Jan thought to herself, _well they're playing with a pro._

She went up to the opposite side of the street and climbed up the ladder. She reached the rooftop and walked right to the edge. _Thanks, mom, for teaching me to dance_. Then she leapt onto the other rooftop, landing on the balls of her left foot before putting her weight on both of her legs. The men didn't bother to follow.

Now smiling, Jan climbed down the ladder on the other side of the one story building and landed in a trap.

The five men who had been following her were there as well as Jonas. "Hey there, cutey," he said, "What's your name?"

"The girl who will beat you to a pulp," she replied, looking around for an escape. There wasn't one.

Jonas laughed at her. "You're out numbered, sweetheart, and I'm a pretty strong guy."

"Pretty stupid guy."

One of the men laughed, earning a glare from Jonas. "You've got some nerve, woman," he hissed at her.

"Oh I've got more than that." Jan reeled back her fist and punched him square in the cheek. Jonas fell, giving her enough time to whip out her pistol. One man stepped forward so she shot him in the kneecap. He let out a scream and fell to the ground.

Someone grabbed Jan from behind, removing her gun and locking her arms together. Jan kicked out her legs at the man coming towards her. Her foot struck his nose, sending blood streaming down his face.

She stomped down on her captor's foot with the edge of her heel. Her boot dug into the tiny bones and webs of flesh that made him squeal and release her. Jan reached down for her blaster but the back of Jonas's hand smacked her face.

The force of the blow rocked her backwards but she kept her feet. She was still slightly disoriented when Jonas hit again and this time she fell. Jonas landed on top of her but she gave him another hard punch to the same cheek. Then she slammed her forehead into his. He rolled off of her and she quickly climbed to her feet.

Blood was trickling from her lip but she didn't have time to wipe it away. Two men each took one her arms and held her still. She tried to kick out their legs but they had learned their lesson well.

Jonas stood up and the blood that had appeared from the cheek that wasn't swollen hitting a piece of broken glass. "You are one feisty woman," he said with relish, "You wanna know something your friend Maric don't know about?"

He reached up and gripped her jaw with fingers that were as strong as iron bands. "I'm a convicted rapist. And you are just my type."

Jan refused to be afraid. Instead raised her knee and hit him where it hurts the most. Jonas fell over, clutching the throbbing organ. The men holding her loosened her grip so she shook them off. A normal person would see this as a golden opportunity to run, but Jan knew she wouldn't be able to get far before they caught her. Instead she ran for her fallen blaster.

She was almost at it when something hit her hard on the back of her head. White stars blinked in her vision and she fell face forward. Everything felt kind of fuzzy. She realized that someone was turning her over.

She could see the sky that was now turning purple. Jonas's face filled her view and it occurred to her he must have slammed his fist in just the right spot to leave her dizzy and uncoordinated.

"You're going to pay for that, bitch!" he growled at her.

There was some sort of hissing sound that seemed familiar, but Jan couldn't place it. A green glow appeared at her peripheral vision. She tried to turn her head but it still hurt too much. "Holy—," someone whispered but didn't finish their thought.

"Let her go," a voice from her dreams spoke in an authoritative tone.

"Nobody tells me what to do," Jonas said. He was standing above her so she could see that he had scooped up her blast and was pointing it towards the green light.

"I am."

Her wits were returning now so it occurred to Jan that this was a prime opportunity to get a little vengeance. She kicked Jonas in the ankle, but he didn't fall like she had planned. He stumbled a bit, but kept his footing.

Now he sneered at her and aimed at her head. "You ain't worth the fun." His finger was a nanosecond away from pulling the trigger when a green beam sliced through his arm. The limb fell to the ground at Jan's feet. The shock of the bloody arm made Jan scramble to her feet with a gasp. She kept her back to the wall and her eyes on the arm.

"You—you—cut off my—my arm you son of a bitch!" Jonas screamed out, chocking on his words because of the pain.

"You'll live." The green column of light moved until it stopped beneath Jonas's chin. "You and your crew better get the hell out of here or I swear your head will be the next thing to go."

Apparently Jonas could also know and honest threat when he heard one because he climbed to his feet, clutching the bloody stump that remained of his arm, and walked away. His men quickly followed.

Jan was gasping in air as she watched them go. It was odd how she had hallucinated Jonas's attack. The pain of the fight felt so real, she had never been that crazy before. It was the only explanation for why Kyle Katarn was standing there now.

Her vision deactivated his lightsaber and walked over to her with a concern look on his face. "Jan, are you alright?"

She really was going crazy because he wasn't wearing the same clothes he usually wore when she had conjured him. Sweat was beading his forehead and his hair was shaggier than normal, obviously in need of a hair cut. It even smelled like him, a scent she had noticed once when she'd had to dress up in a skimpy outfit while undercover. They'd had to bail and spend the night in an inn and she had refused to sleep in the costume so Kyle had loaned her his shirt. It was funny how memories could pop up when you were going insane.

"Jan," the image said again, "Are you okay?"

He reached up his hand and touched her swollen cheek. The feel of his warm fingers touching her face undid her completely. It was real. He was real.

It was Kyle.

Everything around her went hazy but she managed to whisper, "Kyle," before everything went black.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

A shadow stood out on the wall, a black specter of man but no body was casting it. The shadow watched as Katarn caught the woman before she fell and cradled her in his arms. "You've never done that before, Jan," he whispered to her, "but I guess there's a first time for everything."

Katarn kept Ors pressed close to his chest, as if he were afraid to let her go. It was an intimate hold. Katarn wasn't good at concealing his emotions when it came to this girl.

So she was the key. He would reveal himself if he knew Ors was in danger. It appeared he would do anything for the woman, even come out of hiding to save her from petty attackers. This turn of events was interesting and would be profitable in the end.

Once Katarn left the street, the shadow vanished from sight.

* * *

Jan opened her eyes and was immediately confused as to where she was. She had been on the streets of Illeena, but now she was in a white room, lying on a cold metal table. A bright light was shining down on her from the ceiling, making her blink.

"You're finally awake," a familiar gruff voice said.

"Angel?" she asked still a bit confused.

"It's me."

She breathed out a sigh of relief. "Where am I?"

"The infirmary on the _Claw_. I put some medi-gel on the cut on your lip and your bruised cheek," he told her, "They're already startin' to heal."

Jan sat up from the table and ran her fingers through her loose hair. Either someone had taken out her hair-tie or it had fallen out during the fight. Now it fell past her shoulders in need of a good brushing. "What happened?" she asked.

Angel grinned at her. "You fainted."

With the memory coming back to her, she felt embarrassed by her weak reaction to shock. Girls with fake blonde hair and impossibly big boobs fainted, not Jan Ors.

"I did not faint," she argued, "I passed out from exertion."

Angel's smile refused to leave his lips. "You fainted."

"Shut up."

He laughed at her response. "Maybe I should call you kitten instead of She-cat."

"I'm warning you Talfryn," she replied, glaring at him with more annoyance than heat.

"Alright," Angel said. He picked up the tube of med-gel and put some more on her cheek. "In all seriousness, I ain't ever gonna let you walk around alone on a planet where I've got enemies again. Maybe, I won't let you walk around on a planet alone. You're too pretty of gal to be let out alone."

"You're chivalry is sweet, Angel, but I can take care of myself," Jan assured.

"Would have ended up with more than some bruises if Katarn hadn't saved you."

Jan gripped Angel's arm at the mention of her friend's name. "You've seen Kyle?"

"'Course I have," Angel replied, "He's in the next room with Cole."

Kyle was onboard her ship. Kyle was only a few feet away from her, behind some walls. The news was more overwhelming than Jan had imagined. She almost felt dizzy from the wave of emotions that was crashing down around her.

"He'll be glad to know you're awake," Angel continued, not noticing that she was drowning from her own feelings, "He's been more than a might worried about you."

"You go on ahead," Jan told him, "I need a moment."

"Alrighty then," Angel said. "We'll be waitin' for you."

Once the door closed to the infirmary, Jan buried her face into her hands and sobbed. Apparently she was turning all woman these days if she started crying for joy, but right now she didn't care.

She had found Kyle.

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO_

_Jan has fallen into a strange bunch,_ Kyle noted as he sat across from some teenage Jedi and the one called Angel, the one who looked like he was half-giant, walked into the room. "She-cat, I mean Jan, is awake," he announced to the group, "And mighty sensitive about her faintin' spell."

Kyle had to smile when he heard that. Yep, that was Jan. Tough as nails and never admitting that she has a feminine side.

"Why couldn't she have fainted into my arms?" Cole wondered out loud. He was a nice, kid, he really was, but right then Kyle considered kicking him under the table.

"'Cause she'd kill you," Angel stated as a matter of fact, "Doesn't your bruised hand tell you somethin' about messin' with her. Not to mention that she went down fightin' as Katarn here said."

"Jan tries to fight her way out of every mess," Kyle said, "When someone punches her, she punches back. Sometimes that gets her into more trouble, but that's Jan."

"I ain't known her long, but I reckon that's so."

Kyle was grinning at Angel but that grin faded when he saw Jan walk into the room. His throat tightened at the sight of her. She was more beautiful than he could remember, especially with her hair framing her face, though she still looked pretty with it pulled back. She was thinner though and he had to wonder why. His eyes were the first ones she met and they stayed that way.

No words were spoken. They just continued to look at each, each one trying to decipher what the other was thinking, what they wanted to say. Angel and Cole noticed the sudden quiet and alternated looking at Jan and then Kyle. The two friends didn't notice their companions. Everything around them had faded away. Time itself seemed to have stopped.

"Hey, kid," Angel tapped Cole's shoulder, "Why don't you come and help me in the Engine Room. One of the couplin's is given us trouble."

"Huh?" Cole looked up at him with a frown.

Angel nodded his head towards the exit and gave his shoulder a little squeeze. "Oh, sure," the young Jedi replied when he finally understood. "We're going to go fix the coupling."

As they exited the room Cole said in a voice that was supposed to be a whisper but failed to be that low, "What's a coupling?"

Now alone, Jan and Kyle still didn't say anything. What was there to say? This silence was interminable for them both and it was Kyle who decided to break it first. He stood up from his chair and said, "Hey."

_Hey?!_ he shouted at himself, _You've been gone for eight months and all you can say to her is hey?! How idiotic is that?!_

"Hey," Jan replied, looking just as nervous as he.

"Uh—are you—uh—okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Good," Kyle said, "That's good."

There was silence again. _Do something Kyle, say something!_ "Quite a pack of friends you've gathered."

Jan nodded. "They're good folk…well Cole sometimes is."

"Yeah, I got that," he replied with a chuckle. _Better Kyle, now you've smiled, keep going from there._ "He seems a bit rascally."

"He seduced one of Luke's students."

The news sent Kyle's brows to his hairline. "And Luke passed him over to you?"

"According to Luke, Cole needed the adventure and apparently I'm scary to young rakes like him."

Kyle laughed now and so did she. The tension between them had lessened a little but wasn't gone. Damn, had he been away so long that they had forgotten how to be normal around each other?

"So what are you—?"

"Were you following me?" Jan cut in.

The question caught him off guard. "What?"

"I could feel someone watching me when I was outside. Was that you?"

Kyle nodded. "I saw you leave the docking bay and—I don't know why, but I just started following you." He looked down at the floor. "I guess it was a good thing seeing as how I got you out of that mess."

"I had that under control, you know."

"Oh you did?" Kyle questioned, "Funny, weren't you on the ground dizzy when I came charging in there to save your ass."

"That wasn't a rescue," Jan replied, more than a little annoyed, "You helped me; you didn't save me."

"Alright then, what was your next plan of action after that bastard had you pinned to the ground?" Kyle leaned up against the table and crossed his arms. Jan didn't say anything, she only glared at him. "I'm waiting."

"Shut up, Kyle."

He laughed again at his victory and realized that the tension was gone. Well arguing was the norm for them so it made sense that they could relax while they were at each other's throats. "You may not have had a plan yet, but I'm sure you'd have thought of something," he told her, still grinning.

Jan gave him a little smile. "Thank you, Kyle, for saving me I mean."

Kyle straightened up and walked over so he stood abreast of her. "You don't ever have to thank me for that."

They stood close like that for several moments. They didn't touch, just looked into each other's eyes. "I should probably give you this," Jan said before reaching into her pocket and pulling out an artifact Kyle had thought he would never see again.

"You found my medallion?" he asked, "How?"

"It doesn't matter, just take it." Jan reached to put it in Kyle's hands and their fingers touched. The medallion was resting in his palm but he didn't close his hand around it, not while her skin touched his.

Jan was the one who pulled away. "I—I'm going to go—to go check on the fuel pumps," she told him, "We'll have to gas up before leaving tomorrow."

"Do you want me—?" She left before he could finish what he was going to say. He sat down in his chair confused and worried about the look in her eyes. It was like she was afraid of him, well not so much him but of his presence.

What had happened to her these eight months?

* * *

"So she eat?" Angel asked Cole when the boy returned to the galley.

"Yeah, and then ordered me back in here when I suggested keeping her company."

"Is she almost done adjusting the pumps?" Kyle asked.

"How should I know?"

"You could have asked her."

"She threatened to bash me over the head!" Cole complained, "What else was I supposed to do but leave?"

Angel laughed and slapped the boy's shoulder. "You're forgiven, son. We ain't expectin' you to risk your head just to ask a few questions."

Cole turned to look at Kyle. "What'd you say to her to get her ticked off at me?"

Kyle chuckled over his beer. "Kid, did you ever think that maybe its just you?"

Angel laughed and clinked bottles with Kyle. "You're good company, Katarn. I hope you'll be stayin' with us a might bit longer."

Kyle put down his bottle and stared at its label. "I haven't decided yet."

"Well from what I hear, you should," Cole started off, snagging a piece of exotic fruit from the table, "Jan kind of went—."

"Cole, you ever had a beer before in your life?" Angel cut in, making Kyle frown, "Go on and help yourself. We won't say a word to no one."

"Deal," Cole said with a cheerful grin and quickly took a bottle.

"What were you going to say about Jan?" Kyle inquired, more than bit curious.

"Oh just that—ow!" Cole reached down and rubbed his ankle. He glared at Angel. "What'd you kick me for?"

"What's going on?" Kyle wanted to know. Angel was trying to hide something, that was obvious, but what could it be?

There was a beeping sound coming from the cockpit. "Cole, see what that is," Angel told the young boy.

"Why me?"

"'Cause you're annoyin'."

"Well I like that," the boy said with a glower, "here I go, behaving myself and now you find me annoying." He headed to the cockpit muttering, "Stupid, son of a Rancor."

Kyle narrowed his eyes at Angel while he studied him. "You sent him away because you don't want to tell me something."

"Don't know what you're talkin' about."

"I'm not a fool, Angel."

"That's a matter of opinion," Angel replied, "at least sometimes."

Cole came back in, looking a little confused. "There's a Dr. Bandon wanting to talk to Jan."

"Damn," Kyle heard Angel mutter under his breath. "You go on and get her, kid." He then mumbled under his breath, "Ain't no way out of it now."

"No way out of what?" Kyle wanted to know.

"You want another beer, Katarn?"

"No, I want to know what you're hiding."

"How about some whiskey?" Angel asked, now in desperate need to avoid Kyle's probing, "I brung some with me. I'll go and get it."

Kyle shook his head at the retreating man. Something was going on, a secret it seemed. _What are they trying to hide?_

Jan returned, but not Cole. "Where's Cole?" he asked when she came into the galley.

"Angel said he wanted to talk to him," she replied. Jan barely met his gaze. She just walked past him to the cockpit. He heard her lock herself inside. Apparently she didn't want him to know what was going on either.

Well he sure as well wasn't going to be kept in the dark, not if it concerned Jan. Kyle abandoned his half-full beer and went searching for the bunk room. Jan occupied a captain's cabin while Angel and Cole shared a room with four beds.

"What's the big deal?" he heard Cole ask.

"I don't think Jan wants him to know," Angel replied.

"You don't know that."

"I surely do, she'd of told him already if she did."

"I don't see why she wouldn't want to," Cole said, "It's sort of his fault that she's seeing the psychiatrist now."

The word psychiatrist surprised Kyle greatly and filled him with alarm. His fault? _Oh, Jan, what have you done?_

The door was no doubt locked, so Kyle dipped into the Force and made it open. Angel and Cole looked at the open door and the man beyond it with shock. "How'd you do that?" Angel wanted to know.

"Why is Jan seeing a psychiatrist?" he demanded.

Cole looked over at Angel. "I don't think you're plan's going to work."

"You reckon that, boy?"

Frustrated, Kyle stepped into the room with a scowl. "What's wrong with Jan?"

"Nothin'…at the moment," Angel said, "It's a mighty long story."

"I've got plenty of time."

Angel nodded. "S'pose you're right. Well I came in near the end of it all, but from what I can tell you Jan took your departure very hard."

"Will you elaborate?"

"I s'pose you saw the notices she posted," Angel said, "Well she kinda got into some trouble with those more than once."

Kyle shook his head. "I don't like the sound of this."

"It ain't good; I'll say that right now. She went rather mad lookin' for you. She went after any lead on Jedi available."

"That's how she found me," Cole inputted, "I got captured by some Imps and she heard there was a Jedi on the base so she infiltrated it, all by herself."

"Oh no she did not," Kyle stated, "Jan would have to be—."

"Insane?" Angel finished Kyle's thought, "I'm afraid she did go like that, for a little while anyways."

Kyle leaned against the wall when he realized he was finding it difficult to stand. Jan had gone crazy looking for him? He'd seen her notices, but he hadn't thought she'd be so desperate as to infiltrate bases on her own.

"Right before I joined up with her, she went sniffin' around some ruins and got tangled up with a Sith." The terror in Kyle's eyes at the last word made Angel say quickly, "She got out of it alright. Skywalker showed up in the nick of time."

That was a relief but not much of one. There had to be more to this, but Kyle didn't want to know. Yet he knew it wasn't a matter of want, he _had_ to know. He had to know how great of a mistake he had made.

"I'm afraid that when I stepped in things didn't get any better," Angel continued, "You see, she found somethin' of yours and got very excited over it. We found out you had gone to Davnia but when we got there you had already left. That's when the _Moldy Crow_—."

"What about the _Crow_?" Cole met Kyle's eye and imitated the sound of an explosion. "It's gone?" Kyle asked.

"Yep, and Jan got caught in the explosion, nearly died."

Kyle felt a little sick now. He had the image of Jan surrounded by flames and the scraps that remained of their beloved ship. The thought of her dying…Force, what had he done?

"Anyways, she gave up lookin' for you after that. But Mon Mothma is makin' her see a psychiatrist to make sure she don't do nothin' like that again."

Angel craned his head down so he could try and meet Kyle's gaze which was pinned to the floor. "She's better now, honest."

"I'm glad to hear it," Kyle said, "but that doesn't change anything." He shook his head, inwardly cursing himself for being such a fool. "I think I could use a glass of that whiskey you were offering."

"Comin' right up."

* * *

Jan leaned back into the pilot's chair with a long sigh. Dr. Bandon had finally bid her goodbye after another long talk about how she was feeling and all of that blather. She had chosen not to mention Kyle even when the subject had been broached. She had been aloof as normal and assured her that she hadn't run into any trouble. That last part had been a lie, but the doctor hadn't noticed.

She suddenly felt exhausted. She had dealt with the shipment, been attacked by criminals and found Kyle. It had certainly been a full day.

She left the cockpit and ran into Angel and Cole in the corridors. "Where are you off to?"

"The kid's been stuck in here all day," Angel explained, "I thought I'd take him out so he can have a bit of fun."

"Not too much fun, I hope," Jan said.

"Aw, come on," Cole pleaded, "I've been good."

"You're version of good doesn't mean much," Jan replied with a smile. "Keep both of your eyes on him," she told Angel.

"I will."

"Then go on and have your fun," Jan said, "I'm turning in."

"See you in the mornin' then She-cat."

Jan walked to her room and sat down on the bed facing a mirror. She had put her hair back up when she'd been checking the ship earlier. Now she removed her hair-tie and shook it out with her fingers. She picked up her brush and ran it through her thick hair.

Kyle's face suddenly appeared in the mirror, bringing out a gasp from her. She whipped around with a glare, "Blast you Kyle!" she yelled before throwing the brush at him. It hit him in the shoulder. "Don't scare me like that!"

"Did you finish talking with Dr. Bandon?"

The eerie calm in his voice and the mention of the name filled Jan with alarm. "How do you know about that?"

"I'm learning a lot about you lately," Kyle said, "Apparently you infiltrated an Imperial base alone, met up with a Sith and nearly got blown up along with the _Crow_."

"That last part wasn't my fault," she argued.

"Jan, what were you thinking?" he wanted to know, "Why did you go so crazy looking for me?"

"Gee, I don't know, maybe it was waking up one morning and finding you gone without any note or reason as to why."

"That doesn't fly all the way," Kyle said, "Why did you do it?"

"Why did you leave?" she asked.

"We're not talking about that."

"Oh yes we are!" she shouted, standing up and marching over to him. "If you want to know why I nearly drove myself crazy then you better tell me why you left."

Kyle shook his head at her. "You're not playing fair, Jan."

"Since when have I ever played fair? Or you for that matter, seeing as how you cheat at sabaac."

"I do not!"

"You do too," she replied, "How else can you beat me every time?"

"Maybe you're not that good at bluffing," he suggested.

"I am too; you just don't like the idea of being beaten by a girl."

"Jan!" Kyle said her name with a cry of frustration, "Now is not the time."

"I suppose you're right," she admitted, "So how about you tell me why you left?"

Kyle stopped and shook his head at her. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Manipulate me so well."

Jan grinned at him. "Years of practice."

Kyle ran a hand over his face. "Alright, you win."

"I always do."

"Except when it comes to sabaac."

"I thought we were done with that," Jan stated.

"We are, I just wanted to get the last word. Don't know why seeing as how I never do." Kyle let out a long sigh. "After Ruusan, I couldn't stand they way you looked at me."

"What do you mean?"

"You were scared of me," he said, "I could see it in your eyes."

"But Kyle—."

"Let me finish," he urged her gently, "I—I didn't know what do…about me. I was afraid that I might be tempted again and if anything were to happen to you…" Kyle didn't finish. There wasn't a need. "So I left to make sure I didn't hurt you."

There was a bit of silence before Jan said, "Wow Kyle that's… the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

Kyle looked surprised by her outburst. "What?"

"I wasn't scared of you Kyle," she rolled her eyes at him, "As if I ever was. I was scared about what the Dark Side could do, but Kyle, I never thought you would have killed me."

"You're wrong Jan, for a moment there I wanted to."

"Oh for pete's sake, half the time _I_ want to kill you," she replied, "So stop complaining about what you think you could have done and remember that you didn't."

Kyle didn't reply, just shook his head. He didn't believe her, couldn't believe her. She couldn't understand how tempting the Dark Side was and it had nothing to do with petty annoyances. It had everything to do with committing cold-blooded murder…on her.

"I've talked," he said, "now it's your turn. Why'd you do it, Jan? Why'd you go crazy over me?"

Jan closed her eyes and sat back down on her bed. "I was afraid, not of you Kyle, but of how I treated you."

"Don't tell me you finally feel guilty for picking on my all of these years."

"No, you could use a great deal more of that," she replied, "I'm serious though Kyle. I didn't mean to distance myself from you after I found out you're a Jedi."

"Jan, it's alright."

"No it's not alright. I should have been more understanding."

"I didn't expect you to jump onboard with me."

"Well I should have!" she cried back at him, "You're my friend and I—I was afraid that you'd outgrow me."

"Outgrow you?" Kyle repeated with a snicker, "Jan you and I are too much alike. I'd have to outgrow me before you."

"I guess it was pretty foolish for me to think that," she agreed.

Jan traced the pattern on the coverlet with her finger. She was grateful that Kyle didn't pry any deeper, but she underestimated her friend. "Is that the only reason, Jan?"

Damn his intuitive nature! "What makes you think there's more?"

"For starters you won't look me in the eye."

She immediately met his gaze for an instant and then ducked back down again. "Jan, what aren't you telling me?"

"It's stupid," she said.

"I'd say a lot of what've you been doing lately is stupid."'

Jan hopped back to her feet and glared at him. "I'd say the same for you. At least I'll admit my foolishness."

"Then let's hear you admit it."

_Great Jan, now you're squeezed between a rock and a hard place_, she thought to herself. She kept her fists clench when she sputtered out. "I had a dream, okay."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She shook her head and mumbled, "Nothing."  
"Well if it sent you gallivanting across the galaxy looking for me then it certainly is something," Kyle said.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well you're going to."

"Damn it Kyle!" she shouted, on the edge of fear for telling and anger for him not understanding how hard this was for her. "I dreamed that you loved me!"

Kyle blinked at her in surprise. "What?"

_That's what you get for opening your mouth, Jan, now you've got to tell him everything_. She turned around so he wouldn't see her face. "The night you left, I dreamed that you came into my room and said that you loved me." She shook her head, blinking away some fresh tears, "I don't know why I thought it mattered. It was silly of me to take it to heart. After all, it was just a dream."

"It wasn't a dream."

The moment he said it, Kyle regretted it. The words had just fallen out before he could shut his mouth. Now Jan whirled around, gaping at him openly. "It wasn't a dream?"

"I shouldn't have said that," he told her, "I didn't mean to say it."

"But you did say it," Jan gasped out, "You said you loved me." Pure joy was bubbling up inside of her. Her heart was tripping again and again until she was certain she would die from happiness. It wasn't a dream! It was real!

Kyle loved her.

"Jan, look I—."

"Do you still mean it?" she asked, scarcely able to breath.

_Oh crap_, Kyle thought. "Jan, please don't ask me that."

"Do you still mean it?" she repeated, beginning to feel desperate again.

He couldn't lie to her. She knew that the cheating little vixen! "Yes," he said at last.

Jan looked down at the ground for a moment, treasuring this feeling of absolute bliss. When she looked back up at him, she was smiling. Jan looped her arms around his neck to pull him close. "I love you too," she whispered, and then she kissed him.

He meant to pull away, honestly he did, but hearing her say that she loved him…well, how can you walk away from that? That brief kiss months ago had sufficed him during his travels, but kissing her now when she was awake made him wondered why he had been so satisfied.

Jan kept her arms wrapped around his neck while she ran her fingers through his hair. Her heart was going to burst out of her chest, she was certain of it. She wanted more of him than just this. She wanted a promise of his love beyond just words.

She unwrapped her arms from around his neck and then ran her palms up his chest. Her fingers tugged at the collar of his shirt. Kyle broke the kiss and grabbed her hands. "No, Jan, we shouldn't."

Jan shook her head and tugged her hands away. "I'm not taking no for answer." She kissed him again, taking handfuls of his shirt so he followed her down onto the bed.

* * *

Jan woke up with a smile on her face. It was morning, a wonderful morning following a wonderful night. Angel and Cole must have returned, but she never heard them. They must have come in after she and Kyle had fallen asleep.

Only in her dreams had she imagined that Kyle could love her. Now that it was no longer a dream, she wasn't sure where to begin. A good morning kiss for Kyle seemed like the perfect place to start.

But when she rolled over she found that the other side of the bed was empty. Kyle must have woken up earlier and gone to eat breakfast. That had to be it. The other idea was impossible, not after last night

She wrapped the sheet around her and left her bedroom. It didn't occur to her that Angel and Cole might see her, she was desperate to make sure her worst nightmare hadn't come true. Thankfully neither of them was up and about so she made it to the galley undetected.

The room was empty. No dishes in the sink or food on the table. No one had been in there since last night. "Kyle?" she called out his name, already knowing it was hopeless.

Kyle was gone.

Again.

Tears were threatening Jan's eyes when she cried out, "Kyle Katarn you bastard!"

One tear fell from her eye but she brushed it away. No, she was done crying for him. If he could leave after what had happened between them then he didn't deserve any tears. Jan tightened the sheet around her. No more tears for Kyle Katarn.

She stormed back into her room and found some clean clothes. Kyle had made a promise to her, not in words but making love was surely a promise to stay. Well if he could break such a promise then good riddance.

Jan dressed and brushed her hair, pulling it away from her face like she normally did. She left her room and went to the cargo hold. The men arrived on schedule, passing the medical supplies over to her. She inspected them to make sure they were everything she'd asked for and then gave them the promised price.

When she returned onboard, Angel and Cole were enjoying their breakfast. "Hey Jan," Cole called out to her over a mouthful of sausage, "You should have come last night."

"If you went to a place with painted dancers then I'm glad I didn't."

Angel chuckled. "Told you she wouldn't have liked it."

"Finish eating fast," she told them, "We'll be taking off in a few minutes."

"What about Kyle?" Cole asked the unspeakable question, "Isn't he coming."

Jan glared back at him, even though it wasn't his fault. He was completely innocent of the situation. "No, he's not," she gritted out before storming off to the cockpit.

The _Raven's Claw_ blasted of off Illeena with her captain hoping to leave all of what had happened there behind her. Unfortunately, that would be more difficult than she could ever imagine.

* * *

Castin's visit was not unexpected by Ganis. The foolish son of general had a way of blowing his head off for ridiculous reasons. Such as now.

He blew into the room with violence on his mind. "I heard you found Katarn."

"Indeed I did."

"Where should I set our course?"

Ganis let out a little laugh. "We're not going anywhere."

"But we found him!"

"We're not ready to attack yet."

"Why not!" Castin shouted, "I've waited long enough. You found Katarn now I want revenge!"

"Katarn is too aware of what's around him," Ganis said, "the only time he isn't is when Jan Ors is in trouble."

"Then we'll capture her."

"No, that will lead to nothing. Katarn is too intelligent; he'll find a way to save her without falling into the trap. Besides he's left her again so it would amount to nothing."

Ganis shook his head as an idea began to form in his dark mind. "We must wait and slowly draw him out."

"Why not capture the woman?" Castin demanded, "You won't have to wait any longer for what you want. She knows where the Valley of the Jedi is."

"Oh, commander," the Sith said with a laugh, "You think I want to find the Valley of the Jedi? My master died because of that foolish quest. No, what I want is something much bigger, something far more powerful. But only Katarn knows where it is."

"He does?" Castin asked.

"Indeed," Ganis said as he smiled at his coming victory, "but it's a secret he doesn't even know he carries."

_To be Continued in Dare to Dream Part II: Picking up the Pieces_

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A/N: Please don't kill us shanesnest. I know it wasn't very nice of Kyle to do what he did but he'll get his just desserts, we promise you that. Plus he has his reasons. Anyways, do review since we love to read them. Part II will be coming soon.


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